reminisce...

nobody congratulates you when your baby is stillborn [and for good reason, i guess] but, that just makes it all the more tragic.  not only has your baby died, but people act as though you have not just given birth to a beautiful baby; as though you are not a  new mother.  when you think about it, it's even more difficult to be a mother to a dead baby because there is less of a support system immediately available to you.  most of us have to search out a new support system and may even lose someone from our previous support system.  all that said, there was one woman who had a stillborn daughter years before me that congratulated me on the birth of xavier a few months after his stillbirth.  i shared pictures and she looked at them and commented how beautiful he was.  she recognized that i was a new mother; i had given birth; my baby was beautiful and she congratulated me.

i cried tears of joy, possibly the first tears of joy since i lost xavier that day.

thank you lari.

another giveaway...

still standing magazine is doing a bunch of giveaways to launch this magazine for those that have dealt with child loss or infertility...here's the latest giveaway!
click here to check it out

giveaway...

sophia & ellie's mom [tina] is doing an awesome giveaway for their 3rd birthday!!!

check out franchesca's blog for the details...

please click this link to read all about it!!!!

dare i dream again...

my relationship with andy is going so well that i'm afraid if i write about it i may jinx it.  well, i'm writing about it anyway.  the last time i remember feeling so good about my marriage was when i was pregnant with michael.  i was still full of dreams.  i was still innocent [for the most part] and i still thought i could live out my dreams.  then, money got tighter and we stacked up bunches of credit card debt, miss andi was born, and i quickly realized that my dreams were just that, dreams.  dreams are not real.  dreams do not come true.  reality set in.  my marriage was a mess.  our finances were horrible.  all we did was argue.  then there were these two beautiful children that we were trying to hold it all together for and i don't think we did a very good job; expecially after losing xavier.  after losing xavier i stopped dreaming.  i was afraid dreaming would end in disappointment and hurt.  if i didn't dream, maybe i wouldn't be disappointed.  just maybe, i wouldn't add any hurt to my already aching heart.  i still don't dream like i used to.

so, here i am.  i finally feel like it's all working out.  i finally feel like we're figuring out this marriage thing and raising children thing and grief thing.  i finally feel like we're on the right track.  i'm sure there are still going to be bumps and potholes and road construction with detours, but we've made it this far on the journey through life together and i feel confident that wherever we go on this journey it'll be together.

of course my counselor is quick to remind me that there will be 'bad' days and on those days i need to remember these 'good' days.  he also reminds me that i should keep in mind the 'bad' days on the 'good' days to keep everything in perspective.  i have a tendency to be extremely happy or extremely depressed!  i'm working on that.  i'm working on stabilizing my emotions.

counseling is hard work.  marriage is hard work.  parenting is hard work.  grief is hard work.  but, i have a feeling that in the end it will be worth all the hard work!  and maybe, just maybe one day i'll be able to dream again, without being gaurded, if only for a moment! 

three years ago...

three years ago he was alive. 
three years ago my marriage was falling apart.
three years ago i thought the worst thing in the world would be a divorce.
i was wrong.  i wish i hadn't found out i was wrong.
the worst thing in the world is a dead baby.
my innocent baby who never had a chance to live outside my womb.
three years ago my view of the world shattered.
three years ago i re-examined my God.
three years ago i never thought i would be able to say, "three years ago."

i can't believe how far off three years ago seems

and at the same time

i feel it like it was yesterday.

three years ago on good friday i heard xavier's heartbeat for the last time.

xavier ian swords

6.4.09

focus...

last week i lost my focus.

after counseling i always e-mail chris a synopsis of the session (or rather my version of what we talked about).  the first e-mail i sent was the usual, "here's what we talked about," and "here's what i took from the session," but then i continued e-mailing and chris didn't answer and i sprialed out of control!  i stopped focusing on me and began focusing on why chris wasn't replying until today when i drove past the office and saw his car and finally felt calm.  i knew chris was okay; i started to think about the past week and realized that i sounded like a lunatic in my e-mails.  now i'm a bit anxious about my session next week with chris because he still hasn't replied to my e-mails! 

hopefully he can find the humor in me freaking out!

confessions...

i feel like i don't belong:

     in the house i live in.

     with the young mothers at church.

     in this babylost club.

why don't i belong?

     i'm not like anyone else in that house!  i'm loud and creative.  at the same time i'm an adult and a child; a mother and a daughter; a wife and a breadwinner.  i just feel out of place.  i'm messy.  i'm neurotic.  i'm traditional and a feminist.  i am an artist!  i grieve and art is my outlet for my grieving.

     i do not stay at home with my children [my husband does].  i do not cook meals or manage the finances [my husband does].  i do not take care of all the little day to day tasks [my husband does].  i work a job and a half.  i feel guilty about that.  i go to counseling every week [sometimes twice a week].

     my baby wasn't even considered a baby.  he only has a death certificate because we had him cremated [otherwise he would have been disposed of with biohazard waste from the hospital].  i never felt him move.  labor was painless.  some people didn't even know i was pregnant and then he was gone.

how do i go about changing when i don't have the energy to even have a decent conversation with my husband after i get off work?  i'm doing my best to avoid and ignore and it's not working so well.  all the little things are starting to get to me.  i feel judged.  in reality i'm probably judging myself a lot more harshly than anyone else. 

i need a friend who is within arms length.  i have friends in other states or towns, but nobody close here in goshen.  life isn't easy.  marriage isn't easy either.  my job isn't easy.  i'm physically and emotionally drained at the end of most days.  i don't get enough sleep quite often.

i will say my counselor is amazing!  he feels that i have put such high expectations on him he could never live up to them.  i beg to differ.  some people need to be told what to change and some have to figure it out for themselves, even if they've been told before.  chris gets that and he patiently waits for me to figure it out on my own.  he can see grey areas and believes that there is no one right answer...maybe everbody is right.  sometimes i get angry and throw a pillow at him.  he usually gives it back.  sometimes he cries with me.  sometimes he laughs at me.  sometimes he gives advice [rarely does he give advice].  he always listens.  i suppose all counselors should be good listeners, but chris listens in between sessions via e-mail and voice mail and texts.  chris truly cares about his clients and if xavier hadn't died, if we never moved out of the farmhouse i may have never met chris.  chris is one of the best counselors i've ever been to and i've been to several!  i truly believe God brought chris into my life for this time for a purpose.  i've learned that i grieve effectively, sometimes i just don't realize what i'm grieving.  i have all the tools i need...in fact i teach others the tools i need...but, i don't use them in my personal life.  i'm normal, if there is such a thing and normal is not perfect.    

march 15, 2012...

it's been quite a while since my last post.  i just don't feel like i have anything to say that is helpful or important.  i've been e-mailing my counselor a lot...like a LOT!  he even replies every so often.  i still feel like i'm on a roller coaster.  i think about xavier everyday, just like i think about my living children every day.  i've been doing expressive artwork.  i've been journaling some.  i've been working on my relationship with my husband.  i've been working a lot...a LOT!  i haven't been facebooking much, but i try to get on at least every couple of days and see what's going on.  i guess i'm just giving a boring update of my life.  not much to say. 

honesty...

i've always been a fairly honest person, but you can only be as honest with others as you are with yourself.  i'm more honest with my counselor than anyone else and i think that is because i answer questions he asks not realizing that i'm going to say something out loud that i don't want to believe.  sometimes i'll answer a question, then gasp, and i think that's horrible.  apparently i'm not horrible.  apparently my thoughts are normal and natural reactions to the situations in my life.  so, i've been thinking a lot about honesty lately and how honest i really am with myself.  i need to be completely honest with myself so that i can be completely honest in my relationships.  this year i want to be honest and true to myself.  i want to be better than i am.  so far i'm not really doing anything differently than i ever have, but it's only january.  maybe with spring and warmer weather in a few months i'll get motivated.  i really hope so.

grief is a journey, not a destination...

sometimes i forget that grief is a journey and not a destination.  today my journey led me through a torential downpour that stopped me dead in my tracks.  out of nowhere i just started crying, for no apparent reason, and i'm at a standstill.  like so many other things...grief is a journey and not  a destination. 

standing still...

it's like i am standing still in the water up to my chest, but the water is moving all around me. so i kind of sway with the water. i am not choosing to move, but i am also not stopping the movement...that would take too much energy. i am not moving forward or backward. i am not moving to either side. i'm anchored to my spot and swaying in the water. his due date was november 6, 2009...i do not know how i have survived two years without him (more than two years without him) and i just remain still, letting the water move me because i don't have the energy to stop the outside world from moving me...but i am just going with the flow. my motto remains: how sad.

darkness = hopelessness

it's always harder to find hope in the darkness than in the light of day...there's just something about daylight that makes hope a possibility.

i forgot...

it's my birthday,

today.

luckily a couple of friends from work texted me to remind me. lol

i got the job...

yay me! i now have a second job. our one income family has a tiny second income...still provided by me. i am choosing to have a second job. my husband is choosing to stay home with the kids. i am choosing to miss out on my family. really? money sucks!

thank God for counseling...too bad it's only once a week!

pregnancy and infant loss blog directory...

just came across this and thought i'd share for anyone that wants to check it out...

http://paildirectory.blogspot.com/

it's a directory of blogs divided up by first, second, or third trimester losses, and a few other miscellaneous categories. so, check it out and submit your blog too!

right where i am today: 2 years, 3 months, 1 week, 5 days

xavier ian swords was stillborn at 18 weeks gestation on june 4, 2009. xavier only measured between 13 - 15 weeks gestation meaning he traveled to the other side of heaven shortly after my previous doctor appointment a month earlier.

i am depressed. i am on medication for my depression. i participate in therapy for an hour a week [sooo wish it were more].

i feel different depending on who i am with. when i am at work i feel more normal. i am able to say that i had a stillborn baby. i am able to do what i do very well. i am comfortable and i belong. when i am home i am guarded. i dont' feel like i am allowed to share xavier's memory freely and i've actually put almost all of xavier's things in a box and it sits in my closet [a photo book remains in my purse and a picture frame with his tiny footprints & right handprint sit on my dresser]. at home i feel alone. when i am in public i only have two children...i don't tell anyone about xavier, it's too complicated and awkward and that's okay. i know that he exists, in heaven now, i don't need confirmation from anyone that i birthed a baby [and if i really want confirmation i can always talk about xavier in therapy].

today i am able to feel joy when i hold a baby! i've still not accepted that i will never have another baby! though i am sad it finally feels good to hold someone elses baby. i have moments when i just can't handle being around babies and families of six are the hardest, but other moments i'm fine with my little family of four. i never know how i'm going to be from day to day. i journal and do expressive artwork as often as i can. my therapist tells me that i am normal and i'm actually dealing with xavier's death well, or as well as can be expected. i've just gotten stuck in depression due to knowing i'll never have another baby. even writing it devastates me all over again and i want to break down crying. i want to scream. i want to hide under the covers and sleep, only getting up to eat light meals and go to the bathroom.

i thought i would be better than i am at this point, but i'm not. of course today has been a 'sad' day. lately i've had a lot of 'sad' days. i'm in therapy and i wish i could go twice a week, but i only go once a week. sometimes i feel like the first year was easier than this! in fact i think the first year was easier than this. people allowed me to grieve and be devastated, not that i needed permission. now i should be better, magically. nothing has changed in my life, so why would i be better. my baby is dead. as long as that is my reality there is no reason to stop grieving...i feel like i am just surviving - not really living, just surviving each day.

there's no need to pretend that my life is wonderful, in case you haven't noticed, nobody has a completely wonderful - problem free - life. i'm on this grief journey; a journey through life and while i'm sorry for each of our losses i'm incredibly thankful to have found such a wonderful group of women to accompany me on this journey.

wellness screening part 3...

i will post my weight at least once a month to keep me on track. i haven't exercised yet this week because andy said he would exercise with me and he's been sick. so, here's my plan if i ever get around to starting it...

my plan for losing weight:

• exercise at least four days a week in the morning


• eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner


• eat healthy snacks

my plan for bettering myself:

• take time for myself EVERYday


• journal or do artwork daily


• do devotions daily


• get enough sleep


• read books

i am an artist...
i write.
i draw.
i sing.
i grieve.

can grieving be an art? i think so. therefore i am an artist.
i grieve xavier ian.
i grieve no more babies.
i grieve this life that i always dreamed of before i realized dreams never come true.
i grieve this life i dreamed of that i never knew as a reality.
i am an artist.

i'm stubborn. i don't like change.
therapy is all about change.
do i really want to change? can i really change? will i ever change? and why?
WHY AM I IN THERAPY?

my mind is all over the place tonight. i've been doing free writing today. i took time for me rather than go to work. i told andy he' not invited to all my therapy sessions anymore! not that he even cared, but it felt good to tell him anyway.

is it possible to be too honest? i think i am too honest. that is when i'm not hiding i'm too honest. is it possible to hide things from myself. i wonder if i even know how i feel sometimes. looking back i know how i felt, but how do i feel right now, in this moment...how do i really feel? i don't mean happy, sad, mad. i mean ecstatic, devastated, enraged! i can't hide how i'm feeling, unless i shut down and even then i'm telling you something about how i feel, right?

i'm learning a lot these days about myself. i'm very controlled or rather i like to be in control. in fact i'm so afraid of losing control that i choose to shut down rather than feel at times. i am very passive. i don't like confrontation, but if you push me too far i scream, then i cry - and i shake! confrontation is very uncomfortable. i need my own space...not even a house, just a place that is mine (where i feel safe) and i'm allowed to be me. i don't really know who i am. i'm not even sure who i want to be anymore.

do you remember when life was simple? summer vacation meant 3 months of playing with friends. staying up all night with friends, then sleeping all day. biking past his house all day until sunset or he chased you away. walking through cemeteries looking for cool headstones or interesting names. sitting behind the church sign to get moment of quiet. screaming as trains went by. believing that love really is enough. somewhere between 11 and 16 simple became extinct. maybe it happened slowly. at least i don't remember it happening overnight. even if my life were simple now, i wouldn't be happy with it, would i?

xavier ian will always be my baby. i will always love him and remember him. how to fit xavier into my life of living, breathing people i'm not sure. or maybe i'm not sure how to fit living, breathing people into a life of remembering xavier ian.

enough honesty for one day. this post has been all over the place and i'm not really sure how i ended up here, but it's where i'll leave you hanging for now.

wellness screening part 2...

my height is 5 feet 1 1/4 inches
my weight is 221
my blood pressure is 110/74 (actually a bit high for me)

so, i have a bit of work to do. ideally i would like to weigh between 150 and 170. we'll see how this goes. andy is sick right now, so we aren't exercising together yet. we wanted to walk or something that we could do in the mornings together as we don't get a lot of time together.

so, no plan in place yet, other than walking with andy in the mornings. i know that walking works because i lost 40 lbs. before just walking and not eating too much junk. unfortunately i've gained it all back (plus a few). so, there you have it! i've put it out there for the world to see...my weight is 221. my goal is to lose 50 lbs. (weigh 170), but i only have to lose half that in a year to pass the screening next year (i think).

now i'll try to update my progress once a month. if i forget then feel free to ask me to post.

wellness screening part 1...

tomorrow is our annual wellness screening at work for our insurance. i'm going to fail the bmi portion, but it think i'll be fine with the rest...this means i'll be paying $35 extra per paycheck for insurance.

so, later this week i'll post what my weight is at the screening and my plan to lose the extra weight (at least 10% in a year) so that i pass next year's screening. all of you who read my blog can help to encourage me and keep me on track. i'm going to attempt to post once a month about my weight, probably the middle of each month, and hopefully my husband will join me on this adventure.

so, check back later this week and keep me on track!