TODAY...

xavier ian swords

was stillborn

1 year

2 months

3 weeks

and

4 days ago.

how sad... :(

stilllife365 a again...

here's the second piece of my artwork on stilllife365

'my world'

please visit the link and enjoy!

here's a link to the

1st 'my world'

and the

mirror inspired artwork

ENJOY!

can crying be a hobby?

(this picture looks how i feel so often - dressed all pretty on the outside, but wailing on the inside; i just hurt so bad)

if
crying can be
considered
a hobby,
then
it's been
my hobby
of choice
lately.

yesterday...

so yesterday was august 19, 2010 - for any babylost mama a very special day!
day of hope



so yesterday was also august 19, 2010 - michael's first day of kindergarten!

with every milestone i remember xavier and think of the milestones he'll never reach, like kindergarten. i guess that's why holidays are so bittersweet for me now. as i see michael & andi happy i think of xavier and all that he is missing here on earth. i just keep thinking that this isn't how it is suppose to be. maybe i'm selfish, but i want my baby and my own home and to make my own rules. instead i'm grieving, living with my in-laws, and therefore living under someone else's rules. i'm lost and i can't seem to find my way. i feel stuck. this is not how life is suppose to be and it makes me angry that this is how my life is right now. i'm angry that i'm to blame for being in this situation and i'm sad.

here are some pictures of michael's first day of kindergarten!

stilllife365...

i finally submitted some artwork to stilllife365...

you can check it out here

my world, michelle swords

and

mid-month challenge: august

fourteen months...

i'm not sure where time has gone. it's been fourteen months since losing xavier and i have been a mess all day. we were cooking tonight at work, so that helped to keep my mind off of things, but now i am going to have to lay quietly in a dark room and try to go to sleep...i'll probably cry.

grief sucks!

butterflies...

I WON! carly had a giveaway and i won one of the many prizes!

this is carly's daughter, scarlet, who helped her draw the winners.

here's what i won!

alright, i've wanted to write for a while now, but every time i sit down the words just do not flow! it's so frustrating!!! i've been crying a lot because i've been thinking too much. i've been crying myself to sleep at night.

over the weekend we went over our budget and realized that it's going to be a long time before we can afford to get a house of our own or even rent our own space! currently we are living with my in-laws and i hate not having my own space! i hate not having my own rules! i hate feeling like i'm in the way! i'm discouraged that our money situation is getting better at the pace of a snail. i secretly have a goal to be out of here by next summer. unless things drastically change i can see that we'll be here well past next summer! sometimes i just want to SCREAM! every now and again (when i'm alone in the car) i do SCREAM! it just feels good to get all that energy out.

my grief has never been only about losing xavier. my grief has always been about losing xavier, losing the life i dreamed of, losing myself after i finally thought i had found myself, and realizing the man i married has changed into someone that i don't recognize over the years. the last few weeks have been amazing as andy and i have been rediscovering who we each are and getting to know each other again, but it doesn't change losing xavier - it doesn't change that i miss this life i never got to know. i feel cheated. i am sad, but i do feel real joy sometimes. night is harder than day. i know i am healing - i know my grief is changing - i know i am growing. this is life and i'm trying to live it, but sometimes it's hard to just get out of bed in the morning. i suspect that i'm always going to have days when it's hard to get out of bed in the morning, nights that i cry myself to sleep, and thoughts of what could have been when it's too quiet in the world...but i know that those times are going to be fewer and further between as time goes on. i haven't forgotten xavier ian; i'm just learning how to live again (without what could have been)! this is my new normal and i may never like it, but i'm learning to live it.

tuesday - ugh!

i don't know what is wrong today! i have no reason to be sad, but i am. i'm moody and overly emotional and i hate it!

the kids were at my parent's over the weekend and we are picking them up tonight. it's a good day. i have no reason to be moody or sad, but i am!

i'm glad i have today off and i don't have to work. wednesday when i work we are cooking chicken quesadillas and i am looking forward to that. i love cooking with the residents. it keeps me busy. it keeps my mind off xavier.

apparently tuesdays are the day i grieve hardest!
today is tuesday - ugh!

return to the real world...

june 29, 2010
so last week we were on vacation. it was wonderful to be able to just relax [and we did] and have time alone with my husband. we enjoyed spending time together and didn't argue at all! i'm not sure i can tell you the last time we spend so much time together without arguing...

unfortunately vacations don't last forever and we have now returned to the real world. i was irritable on the way home and as soon as we walked into the house i was immediately overwhelmed. i felt all the stress and tension that we had left behind when we left on vacation.

june 30, 2010
today the man i married; the man i rediscovered on vacation is gone again. i am lonely.
today, two days after our vacation - everything is back to normal, our 'new normal' and i HATE it!

july 1, 2010
last night or this morning...i'm not sure what time it was...andy & i had a talk. things are better. i know that he needs time to cool off when he is upset and i know that i get overly emotional about EVERYTHING!

i think life is bipolar! or my relationship with andy is bipolar...we seem to have extreme highs and extreme lows. losing xavier has made the last year complicated to say the least! i just want my own space! i want to have a normal life; whatever normal is! i want to be a different person, but that can't happen. this is the life God has given me and i must choose to live it giving glory to God along the way, in spite of everything that happens. and while i wish my life were simpler i know that i wouldn't really be happy with that either, because whatever hand we are dealt we want something else. today i'm just struggling with contentment and trying to stay positive!

if i don't blog again before; happy 4th of july weekend!