still life 365 - ten questions - rituals

What daily rituals do you perform in memory of your baby?

I don’t perform daily rituals.

Do you have a yearly ritual you perform during your child's birthday? If so, what is it?

no, and it’s not that I wouldn’t love to do something, but I would be alone – my husband would not be there with me. I would love to have a memorial garden and light candles and release balloons, but not alone; not with everyone near me thinking I’m crazy. I want to be able to perform rituals without feeling like there is something wrong with me for remembering my child.

Has anyone performed a ritual in your child's honor that has been meaningful to you and why?

on october 15 several facebook friends lit a candle for xavier. It meant the world to me that women I had never met in person would do that for xavier – would remember him when lighting candles for their own losses.

How does your religion, either of just childhood or adulthood or both, honor death? How was your loss honored?

I am a christian and attend a grace brethren church. growing up I attended a united Methodist church, but all the same I am a Christian. We had a memorial service for xavier a couple of weeks after he was stillborn. I set up a table with all the memories and a few families from church came along with my family & andy’s family. my pastor spoke and I kept thinking about the baby girl that had been born to a family in our church earlier that day. mostly I remember that a friend showed up to support me and how good that felt. we honored xavier by having a small memorial service, and then I brought the box of memories home.

for a while I had a small memorial with xavier’s footprints and some other items set up on our cd tower, but I didn’t want to share it with anyone that didn’t share my grief – so I moved it to the bedroom. soon I decided I didn’t want to share it with my husband either or rather my husband didn’t want to be reminded of xavier. so, now the box with all of my memories of xavier sit beside my bed in my bedroom.

Do you feel particularly connected to any time of the year to honor your child?

I feel particularly connected in the fall starting around my birthday (october 9) til thanksgiving. I was so excited that I was going to have a baby close enough to thanksgiving that I would get thanksgiving, christmas, and new year’s off – then he was gone! I was so looking forward to my birthday when I would be incredibly pregnant – but it never happened. I was really looking forward to having a distraction from remembering my granddad passing away the previous year – and I only added to the sadness. I feel more connected because of all the hopes I had before he was born – then he was stillborn and my hopes were dashed! so, I honor xavier inwardly by thinking of him and wearing jewelry that reminds me of him and looking at his pictures. I honor xavier by remembering him.

Do any holidays have any important significance to your grief? If so, how?

xavier was due november 2009, so I would have actually been off work for thanksgiving, christmas, and new year’s (normally I work every other holiday). instead I was at work trying to keep my mind off of my dead son. my granddad died in 2008 and xavier was going to be the bright spot in our holiday season – then he was just another reminder of sadness. so, the holidays are incredibly hard for me.

What are ways in which you perform private rituals for your child? (I mean, talking to him/her in the morning, wishing on a star, or something only you know about, etc.)

I have some jewelry that I wear to remember him. I have a dragonfly ring and a diamond necklace & ring that represents michael, andi, & xavier to me. when I wear the jewelry I think of xavier often.

Have you felt a connection to other cultures and religions and how they deal with death?
Have you incorporated the religious traditions of another culture into your private ceremonies and rituals for your child?

no. I would love to set up a memorial for xavier, but I just don’t feel safe putting my feelings out there right now; not with my husband and knowing how he feels.

Does creating art feel like a ritual to you? If so, could you explain it further?

I don’t think creating art feels like a ritual to me. I create art when I need to get feelings out, but I don’t think it’s a ritual.

i am surviving...

i am surviving...to no credit of my own.

without God i wouldn't even be able to breathe.

my world is at a standstill while everyone else continues on as though everything is fine.

...nothing will ever be fine again - my baby is dead.

i believed and had faith in God before losing xavier, but now i truly believe in God and put my faith in Him because He is carrying me along right now - i am doing none of this on my own.

i am weary. i just want to give up, to start all over. i want my baby.

the weight of 'my world' is on my shoulders and i'm really feeling it today.

i am selfish - it takes all of my energy to just get out of bed in the morning.

i walk around in a daze.

my morals are too high to do anything stupid to numb the pain. so, i continue to struggle each day.

i continue to 'live' if you want to call it living. it's not the carefree living i used to do - it's a very bitter and jaded living. babies die. now i know. sometimes i wish i didn't.

my birthday...

this past saturday was my birthday. i'm 31. it doesn't really feel any different than 30, or 29 for that matter. since xavier died holidays all feel the same - bittersweet. there is reason to both celebrate and grieve every holiday. someone is missing and while i don't cry all day anymore i still remember and it wears on me throughout the day, everyday, especially holidays.

sixteen months...

sixteen months ago today xavier ian was stillborn! no wonder today is so horrible...not only is it a monday, but it is the sixteen month anniversary of losing xavier. how sad.

september ~ ten questions ~ trees

1. When you saw the theme of trees for the month of September, what immediately came to your mind?
   I have a ‘tree’ of thanksgiving hanging on the wall in my bedroom and I thought of that.

2. What kinds of words do you associate with trees?
~ beautiful ~ strong ~ rooted ~

3. Of these words, do you associate any with yourself?
I believe I am rooted and strong and beautiful! I am rooted in Christ Jesus and strong enough to have been allowed to experience this grief and a beautiful mother!

4. Have you been an outdoorsy person throughout your life?
I am not an outdoorsy person. I enjoy it on occasion and when I was younger I enjoyed it more than I do now, but I am not an outdoorsy person!

5. How has your relationship with nature changed since your loss(es)?
I am constantly looking at the clouds. I used to occasionally look at the sky and think, “how pretty,” but now I search the clouds – looking for a glimpse of Xavier looking down on me!

6. Did you plant a tree or bush in honor of your child?
No, but I would love to plant a little garden for him if we ever buy our own house! I think it would be wonderful to have a place to go and just sit in beauty while being able to think of Xavier; a place just for him.

7. If you have planted a tree for your child, in what ways do you incorporate the tree into your life? If you haven't, what natural images do you associate with your loss? (Do you tend to it? Do you meditate or reflect under it? Do you places flowers by it?)
In the weeks following Xavier’s stillbirth I remember just sitting outside and staring at the grass, the flowers, and the trees…I remember realizing their beauty and thinking about how fragile life really is and how I have absolutely no control of anything. God created all the grass, flowers, and trees and God is in control – I don’t have to worry.

8. Trees have also been used to represent families. Talk a bit about your own family tree.
I decline to answer this question.

9. What are your feelings now about family trees and exploring your own lineage?
It would be really neat to know more about my family tree, but I’m not intrigued enough to engage in a search. When my granddad died one of my aunts made a dvd slideshow of all these old pictures of my grandparents, great-grandparents, and numerous other relatives I know little or nothing about. I love watching that dvd. I love seeing the old pictures.

10. The rings of trees fascinate me. I remember learning that in hard years, the rings were smaller, or darker than in years of good water. Describe the rings of your tree.
I decline to answer this question at this time.

it's been a hard day...

today was a hard day. we rearranged the living room and sorted through all the toys - throwing away broken ones. ...so many memories and so many broken memories (memories that could have been).

i was rewarded for my difficult day. we went to olive garden for dinner. now i'm awake way too late with too much on my mind and nobody awake to talk.

today i was a roller coaster of emotions all day. some days are just harder than others i guess.

i would love to write something profound; something that everyone would read and think, "i wish i had thought that up," but i have nothing profound to say.

i'm still breathing. i get up every morning and follow a daily routine most days. i still take care of my children and love them. i still think about xavier ian EVERY day! sometimes i cry, but not as often as i once did. sometimes i can't function, but those days are fewer and further between. i don't know how i'm still breathing, but i am. actually i do know how i'm still breathing - GOD! praise Jesus - even when i don't feel like it! He has carried me through the past fifteen months and continues to carry me on hard days.

most of the time i just feel as though i don't fit into a certain group of people. i'm a bit disconnected from the world. i am a daughter who calls home not often enough. i am a sister who doesn't acknowledge appreciation for my siblings often enough. i am a friend who forgets more often than remembers. i am a coworker who doesn't always pull my own weight. i am a wife full of flaws. i am a mommy to both living and dead children.

i thought learning how to mother living children was difficult until i had to learn to mother a dead one. some people don't understand the need to mother a dead child. even i can't explain it, but i know that there are many out there who also struggle with how to mother a dead child and not look crazy to the rest of the world. how do you keep the memory alive without looking crazy? how do you honor your child without neglecting those that are living? how do you tell the world that, even though they never stopped moving & breathing, it is a miracle every day you get out of bed, take a breath, and function even somewhat normally because your child is dead? how do you ever accept this 'new normal' and begin really truly living again?

TODAY...

xavier ian swords

was stillborn

1 year

2 months

3 weeks

and

4 days ago.

how sad... :(

stilllife365 a again...

here's the second piece of my artwork on stilllife365

'my world'

please visit the link and enjoy!

here's a link to the

1st 'my world'

and the

mirror inspired artwork

ENJOY!

can crying be a hobby?

(this picture looks how i feel so often - dressed all pretty on the outside, but wailing on the inside; i just hurt so bad)

if
crying can be
considered
a hobby,
then
it's been
my hobby
of choice
lately.