the storm...

...the calm before the storm...
a friend from college came to visit the other day. i haven't seen her in a year and a half. it was so good to see her again and forget my problems, if only for a moment, but now it's back to reality.

...the storm...
i follow a lot of blogs. i'm always in awe of women who can write about what they are learning; who can post bible verses; who seem to have so much hope. i wonder if i really am depressed and need medication. i wonder if things would be different were we able to get pregnant again.

i wonder if...

i am so thankful for the blogs i follow that mention God and prayer and unselfishly speak of others who are hurting. i need to see that because it gives me hope that one day i will be more like i was before losing xavier.

i discovered tonight at work that the way i feel and the way i portray myself are completely different. people really don't see my pain. i can hide when i want to. i can appear to function. i'm like an alcoholic, only my addiction is grief. i've learned how to pretend that everything is okay on the outside while i'm gasping for breath on the inside. this is sixteen all over again!

i am bitter. i am angry. i am lost. this is not where i imagined my life would be right now. this is not where i want my life to be right now.

life isn't fair.
lIfe Isn't faIr.
lIfE Isn't fAIr!
lIFE Isn't FAIr!
LIFE ISN'T FAIR!

i'm really struggling right now. i'm stuggling with my grief. i'm struggling with being a good mom. i'm struggling with my relationship with God. i'm struggling with my marriage. i'm struggling with my living situation. i'm struggling to find hope & faith because i'm feeling so lost.