...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Monday, June 21, 2010

the second year...

tonight at the support group i attend, parents sharing hope, we were talking about the second year [after losing a baby] and how it is sometimes harder than the first year. i think the second year is harder than the first because all the memories there are no happy memories, just sad ones...

the first year you think, "a year ago today..." and you are remembering life. the second year you think, "a year ago today..." and you are remembering death. the first year you are remembering hopes and dreams. the second year you are remembering shattered hopes and dreams. the first year you are raw. the second year you are scarred.

i think i have taken my grief and found a very healthy outlet...art. recently i have really started to work through my grief using artwork! i have to thank julie for that...she is a recreational therapist at my work and my idea for 'my world' was sparked through her. art is so incredibly healing.

i also started a blog to write names; hangin' with xavier on the fridge

i am starting to be joyful every now and again. it's not easy. since the one year mark i've noticed that i think about xavier ALL OF THE TIME! it's like all the feelings are flooding over me again, but this time i already know what they feel like and they fade a bit quicker. the feelings are just as intense, but for less time. life is a journey...you must choose to move forward or backward or sideways, but you cannot stand still.

my pastor has been preaching on the beatitudes...i am blessed. God blesses me. God blesses others through me. God blesses me through others.
"blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" matthew 5:4

please visit...

you can send name requests to xaviersfridgefriends@gmail.com
i'm looking forward to giving blm's out there a little name memorial!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

no comment...

so, i've been reading all the blogs i follow [and some i don't follow] and i haven't left too many comments. i've been a little down this week and just didn't feel like commenting (as whatever i would have commented would have been jaded and sarcastic - which doesn't always come through without tone of voice), but know that i am reading and thinking of all of you [blm] and praying. sometimes life is just so very sad...

'how sad'

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

shattered shell...

~shattered shell~
she is hollow inside, shattered on the outside.
there are negative feelings and positive feelings.
one false move and she may shatter.

Friday, June 4, 2010

happy bittersweet birthday xavier...

these are two pictures of xavier's name i received today. they make me smile!

monica ~ thank you so much

narelle ~ thank you so much

if you haven't lost a child...

if you haven't lost a child and you have happened upon this blog...read this. a fellow babylost mama wrote it and i think it explains everything!

God is good...

i have an amazing pastor or rather i should say that God works through him in amazing ways. over the past year he has delivered quite a few sermons that spoke directly to me. i have been e-mailing my pastor (poor guy, he learns things about me in e-mails that he would probably rather not know) and occasionally he e-mails back. he usually prays and sometimes includes bible verses when he returns my e-mails...i wanted to share some of them with you all because they have really been comforting to me. i hope you can find comfort in them too.

Romans 8 (i'll highlight bits and pieces)
{15-17} For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!" The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.
{18} For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
{24-25} For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for waht he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.
{26-27} In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, becasuse He intercedes for the saints accoring to the will of God.
{28} And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
{38-39} For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separeate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

2 Corinthians 10:5-6
We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, and we are ready to punish all disobedience, whenever your obedience is complete.

Ephesians 3:14-19
For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you , according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.

anyway, it's officially been one year since xavier was born too soon.
i am alive.
i will survive.
it said so in a book.
i'll just continue to put one foot in front of the other and when i don't have the strength to continue on God will carry me...He is an amazing Father! i have felt His peace and comfort and love so many days over the past year. i have grown closer to Him through losing xavier...how sad [that i had to lose a child to grow closer to God].

Thursday, June 3, 2010

michael remembers...

michael remembers xavier...

michael does workbook pages everyday (to get ready for kindergarten) and he cut and glued these hearts one day, then gave it to me for 'my baby in heaven,' i said, "you mean xavier." he said, "yes, that's the one."

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

the storm...

...the calm before the storm...
a friend from college came to visit the other day. i haven't seen her in a year and a half. it was so good to see her again and forget my problems, if only for a moment, but now it's back to reality.

...the storm...
i follow a lot of blogs. i'm always in awe of women who can write about what they are learning; who can post bible verses; who seem to have so much hope. i wonder if i really am depressed and need medication. i wonder if things would be different were we able to get pregnant again.

i wonder if...

i am so thankful for the blogs i follow that mention God and prayer and unselfishly speak of others who are hurting. i need to see that because it gives me hope that one day i will be more like i was before losing xavier.

i discovered tonight at work that the way i feel and the way i portray myself are completely different. people really don't see my pain. i can hide when i want to. i can appear to function. i'm like an alcoholic, only my addiction is grief. i've learned how to pretend that everything is okay on the outside while i'm gasping for breath on the inside. this is sixteen all over again!

i am bitter. i am angry. i am lost. this is not where i imagined my life would be right now. this is not where i want my life to be right now.

life isn't fair.
lIfe Isn't faIr.
lIfE Isn't fAIr!
lIFE Isn't FAIr!

i'm really struggling right now. i'm stuggling with my grief. i'm struggling with being a good mom. i'm struggling with my relationship with God. i'm struggling with my marriage. i'm struggling with my living situation. i'm struggling to find hope & faith because i'm feeling so lost.

the calm before the storm...

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

butterfly mommies june giveaway...

With your other children, or with your rainbow babies, (though we love them deeply, though we have developed this life-gripping fear of things happening to them), have any of you felt a degree of disconnect with them after your loss? Have you noticed yourself holding back just a bit on your heart connections with them or even other's that you love?

i definitely feel a disconnect. in the beginning i was so sad i just couldn't connect and now i don't know...maybe because i went so long holding back it's hard to really connect. i have great moments, but it's not like it was before xavier. my biggest disconnect is with my husband, but i think that has a lot to do with how we each felt about the pregnancy, then the loss. the past year has been incredibly difficult and there have been a lot of changes in my life and there is just so much to deal with that i've shut down, withdrawn, and ignored to escape reality. i'm still trying to figure out how to balance it all. i'm still trying to figure out what this 'new normal' looks like. i'm still trying to find myself in all of this and sometimes it's very frustrating that for every step forward i'm taking three steps back. so, in answer to the original questions...yes i feel a disconnect and yes i hold back and sometimes i feel like i'm losing all the most important things to me, but i am not the same person i used to be...i can never be that naive person again and i must learn how to go on the way i am now and find myself again (this 'new' me).