...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

butterfly mommies june giveaway...

With your other children, or with your rainbow babies, (though we love them deeply, though we have developed this life-gripping fear of things happening to them), have any of you felt a degree of disconnect with them after your loss? Have you noticed yourself holding back just a bit on your heart connections with them or even other's that you love?

i definitely feel a disconnect. in the beginning i was so sad i just couldn't connect and now i don't know...maybe because i went so long holding back it's hard to really connect. i have great moments, but it's not like it was before xavier. my biggest disconnect is with my husband, but i think that has a lot to do with how we each felt about the pregnancy, then the loss. the past year has been incredibly difficult and there have been a lot of changes in my life and there is just so much to deal with that i've shut down, withdrawn, and ignored to escape reality. i'm still trying to figure out how to balance it all. i'm still trying to figure out what this 'new normal' looks like. i'm still trying to find myself in all of this and sometimes it's very frustrating that for every step forward i'm taking three steps back. so, in answer to the original questions...yes i feel a disconnect and yes i hold back and sometimes i feel like i'm losing all the most important things to me, but i am not the same person i used to be...i can never be that naive person again and i must learn how to go on the way i am now and find myself again (this 'new' me).

1 comment:

  1. Hi Michelle, I just wanted to let you know that you are a winner this month of our blog giveaway! If you would like to receive your free gift, please email me with your mailing address: kristie@anchoredbyhope.com

    I also wanted to thank you for being so honest about where you are. It was so helpful to me because this question has been one that is so close to my heart. I don't share about it often becasue it's one of those things that tend to make me feel isolated, but knowing that others feel this way, just helps me know that I'm still on this journey and though this is just one part, it won't stay this way forever.