...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.
my relationship with andy is going so well that i'm afraid if i write about it i may jinx it. well, i'm writing about it anyway. the last time i remember feeling so good about my marriage was when i was pregnant with michael. i was still full of dreams. i was still innocent [for the most part] and i still thought i could live out my dreams. then, money got tighter and we stacked up bunches of credit card debt, miss andi was born, and i quickly realized that my dreams were just that, dreams. dreams are not real. dreams do not come true. reality set in. my marriage was a mess. our finances were horrible. all we did was argue. then there were these two beautiful children that we were trying to hold it all together for and i don't think we did a very good job; expecially after losing xavier. after losing xavier i stopped dreaming. i was afraid dreaming would end in disappointment and hurt. if i didn't dream, maybe i wouldn't be disappointed. just maybe, i wouldn't add any hurt to my already aching heart. i still don't dream like i used to.
so, here i am. i finally feel like it's all working out. i finally feel like we're figuring out this marriage thing and raising children thing and grief thing. i finally feel like we're on the right track. i'm sure there are still going to be bumps and potholes and road construction with detours, but we've made it this far on the journey through life together and i feel confident that wherever we go on this journey it'll be together.
of course my counselor is quick to remind me that there will be 'bad' days and on those days i need to remember these 'good' days. he also reminds me that i should keep in mind the 'bad' days on the 'good' days to keep everything in perspective. i have a tendency to be extremely happy or extremely depressed! i'm working on that. i'm working on stabilizing my emotions.
counseling is hard work. marriage is hard work. parenting is hard work. grief is hard work. but, i have a feeling that in the end it will be worth all the hard work! and maybe, just maybe one day i'll be able to dream again, without being gaurded, if only for a moment!
three years ago he was alive. three years ago my marriage was falling apart. three years ago i thought the worst thing in the world would be a divorce. i was wrong. i wish i hadn't found out i was wrong. the worst thing in the world is a dead baby. my innocent baby who never had a chance to live outside my womb. three years ago my view of the world shattered. three years ago i re-examined my God. three years ago i never thought i would be able to say, "three years ago."
i can't believe how far off three years ago seems
and at the same time
i feel it like it was yesterday.
three years ago on good friday i heard xavier's heartbeat for the last time.