...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Sunday, July 24, 2011


lately a lot of people have told me that i am one of the strongest people they know. i must be hiding my shattered heart well to the rest of the world. this last week took a toll on me. i had to go into the bathroom at work to cry on several occasions. i don't think anybody noticed. i don't think of myself as a strong person...i just do what i have to in order to survive. sometimes i don't even feel like i'm truly living, just surviving. i've felt God holding me up again over the past week. i don't know where i would be without my faith.

i've been going to counseling and i've been surviving each week til my next session. counseling is amazing...my counselor is amazing. i can say anything i want and i'm not judged (at least not outwardly), i'm not told i did something wrong, i'm not told to do things differently. my counselor assures me that i'm normal (something i quit believing years ago) and i believe that he believes i'm normal.

so, here it is a new week and i'm looking very forward to thursday when i have counseling again. i love my husband, but i can't talk about work with him. i love my family, but i hide the tears from them. i love my job, but presently it is stressful. i love counseling and for one hour on thursday i can let it all out and feel safe doing it! i don't have to hide the tears. i can shout if i want. i can be raw and it'll be okay. i am looking forward to thursday because it helps me to stay strong the rest of the week.

don't get me wrong...counseling is not church, but counseling in addition to church makes me a much better person right now. i go to church and there are people who i totally open up to and let it all out, including my pastor. i go to church and learn about how God is working in my life now. i go to church and feel refreshed for my week. i need church because i need to feel connected to others. i need counseling because i need a safe place to explode!

so, if i do appear to be strong it's only because God has placed an amazing church family and an amazing counselor, along with amazing friends in my life for this time. if i am strong it is not my strength you see, but rather God who is holding me in the palm of his hand carrying me through these tough days.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

not a fan of death...

i'm not a fan of death...duh! i suppose it would be strange to post that i am a fan of death, but today in particular i'm not a fan of death.

my sister texted me this afternoon to tell me that our high school youth group leader died of cancer early this morning. so, i checked my e-mail and sure enough there it was in black and white.

she fought a long hard battle with cancer and had many victories over the years. i'm not sure i would say that the cancer won even now. i don't want to think of her as a defeated person. i would rather think that she finally let go and let God take her up to heaven to praise Him in perfection. let go and let God is something i definitely saw time and again in her life. she allowed God to work through her and transformed the lives of many youth because of it.

i had lost touch with her over the years, only sending a christmas card or two to her since high school. i am deeply saddened and grieving all over again for the loss of such a wonderful lady. i'm also a bit angry...God allowed her to die! God allowed my baby to die! she could be meeting my son right now! she could be holding him! she could be telling him stories about me that i don't want my children to know! lol i also know that she has been reunited with her son. i'm sure the angels are rejoicing to welcome such a Godly example of a woman into heaven today.

i've missed her over the years. she played a huge part in who i am today and i'm going to miss her til i get to heaven.

today i'm REALLY not a fan of death.