...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Friday, March 30, 2012


last week i lost my focus.
after counseling i always e-mail chris a synopsis of the session (or rather my version of what we talked about).  the first e-mail i sent was the usual, "here's what we talked about," and "here's what i took from the session," but then i continued e-mailing and chris didn't answer and i sprialed out of control!  i stopped focusing on me and began focusing on why chris wasn't replying until today when i drove past the office and saw his car and finally felt calm.  i knew chris was okay; i started to think about the past week and realized that i sounded like a lunatic in my e-mails.  now i'm a bit anxious about my session next week with chris because he still hasn't replied to my e-mails! 
hopefully he can find the humor in me freaking out!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012


i feel like i don't belong:
     in the house i live in.
     with the young mothers at church.
     in this babylost club.

why don't i belong?
     i'm not like anyone else in that house!  i'm loud and creative.  at the same time i'm an adult and a child; a mother and a daughter; a wife and a breadwinner.  i just feel out of place.  i'm messy.  i'm neurotic.  i'm traditional and a feminist.  i am an artist!  i grieve and art is my outlet for my grieving.
     i do not stay at home with my children [my husband does].  i do not cook meals or manage the finances [my husband does].  i do not take care of all the little day to day tasks [my husband does].  i work a job and a half.  i feel guilty about that.  i go to counseling every week [sometimes twice a week].
     my baby wasn't even considered a baby.  he only has a death certificate because we had him cremated [otherwise he would have been disposed of with biohazard waste from the hospital].  i never felt him move.  labor was painless.  some people didn't even know i was pregnant and then he was gone.

how do i go about changing when i don't have the energy to even have a decent conversation with my husband after i get off work?  i'm doing my best to avoid and ignore and it's not working so well.  all the little things are starting to get to me.  i feel judged.  in reality i'm probably judging myself a lot more harshly than anyone else. 

i need a friend who is within arms length.  i have friends in other states or towns, but nobody close here in goshen.  life isn't easy.  marriage isn't easy either.  my job isn't easy.  i'm physically and emotionally drained at the end of most days.  i don't get enough sleep quite often.

i will say my counselor is amazing!  he feels that i have put such high expectations on him he could never live up to them.  i beg to differ.  some people need to be told what to change and some have to figure it out for themselves, even if they've been told before.  chris gets that and he patiently waits for me to figure it out on my own.  he can see grey areas and believes that there is no one right answer...maybe everbody is right.  sometimes i get angry and throw a pillow at him.  he usually gives it back.  sometimes he cries with me.  sometimes he laughs at me.  sometimes he gives advice [rarely does he give advice].  he always listens.  i suppose all counselors should be good listeners, but chris listens in between sessions via e-mail and voice mail and texts.  chris truly cares about his clients and if xavier hadn't died, if we never moved out of the farmhouse i may have never met chris.  chris is one of the best counselors i've ever been to and i've been to several!  i truly believe God brought chris into my life for this time for a purpose.  i've learned that i grieve effectively, sometimes i just don't realize what i'm grieving.  i have all the tools i need...in fact i teach others the tools i need...but, i don't use them in my personal life.  i'm normal, if there is such a thing and normal is not perfect.    

Thursday, March 15, 2012

march 15, 2012...

it's been quite a while since my last post.  i just don't feel like i have anything to say that is helpful or important.  i've been e-mailing my counselor a lot...like a LOT!  he even replies every so often.  i still feel like i'm on a roller coaster.  i think about xavier everyday, just like i think about my living children every day.  i've been doing expressive artwork.  i've been journaling some.  i've been working on my relationship with my husband.  i've been working a lot...a LOT!  i haven't been facebooking much, but i try to get on at least every couple of days and see what's going on.  i guess i'm just giving a boring update of my life.  not much to say.