...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Friday, April 22, 2011

100th post giveaway...

when i started blogging my grief was raw. i couldn't even see that there was light on the other side of this valley, the mountains were too tall to even begin climbing and rain poured so hard that i could barely see my hand in front of my face. i felt like i was drowning. i was completely reliant on God in those early days because there were days that i literally knew i was not walking by my own strength, but rather being carried in my creators hands. when i saw beauty it was in the tiniest things, like a flower petal or a blade of green grass. there was no big picture, just a bunch of jumbled little pieces that didn't make any sense.

today, my 100th post, i continue to grieve - but xavier has become a part of who i am. everything i do is somehow influenced by my experience with losing a baby. i'm still walking through the valley, but God has given me enough strength that i need only hold his hand now and my legs can follow Him. the pouring rain is more like a constant drizzle and every now and again i even spot a rainbow, a big picture of joy! i still don't understand why xavier died, but i'm learning to accept that i will not know this side of heaven.

many people do a giveaway for special posts...like the 100th! i'd like to do a giveaway, though i have very limited funds. so, i'm offering my artwork which may not seem like much but it comes from my heart. here are examples of my artwork example 1, example 2, example 3, example 4, example 5. my hope is that you can send me words that mean something to you or just tell me about yourself and your beautiful baby gone too soon and i can somehow figure out something that will mean something to you. i'm not sure what this will look like or how big yet, but i want to do something!

so, to enter you may leave a comment. you may enter up to 3 times. each comment is a separate entry:
1. tell me you follow my blog,
2. tell about this giveaway on your blog or facebook,
3. tell me what you would envision in a personal piece of artwork about your child from me.

alright, that's it! comment away and tell your friends. i will choose a winner in one week and announce it saturday april 30th here!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

...nothing to say...

i've not had much to say lately. i've been faithfully reading blogs, not so much commenting on them, but i've neglected updating my blog much. i guess i just feel that whatever i have to say has already been said or felt or existed for so long that there is no point telling you.

i am definitely in a different place now than i was two years ago or two weeks ago for that matter. i am learning how to cope better everyday and very frustrated that i still have those 'can't get myself out of bed for the life of me' days every now and again. but, i am surviving and taking care of my family as best i can and remembering xavier in my own way everyday.

i'm wondering if i should make this blog more about my family, my living children, and my everyday struggles. i wanted it to be a special place to keep my thoughts about xavier, but as i see that those thoughts really never change i don't want to sound like a record on repeat...so, maybe it's time for a little bit of a change-up. part of keeping xavier's memory alive is involving him in the lives of my children, right?

well, you can let me know what you think if you want. i have lots of thoughts that i haven't shared because they don't directly relate to xavier or loss or whatever, but maybe this blog could be more than a blog about loss...maybe this blog could be a beginning of something great!

God's not finished with me yet and i think that's where i'll leave it at for now...