...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Sunday, September 25, 2011

pregnancy and infant loss blog directory...

just came across this and thought i'd share for anyone that wants to check it out...


it's a directory of blogs divided up by first, second, or third trimester losses, and a few other miscellaneous categories. so, check it out and submit your blog too!

Friday, September 16, 2011

right where i am today: 2 years, 3 months, 1 week, 5 days

xavier ian swords was stillborn at 18 weeks gestation on june 4, 2009. xavier only measured between 13 - 15 weeks gestation meaning he traveled to the other side of heaven shortly after my previous doctor appointment a month earlier.

i am depressed. i am on medication for my depression. i participate in therapy for an hour a week [sooo wish it were more].

i feel different depending on who i am with. when i am at work i feel more normal. i am able to say that i had a stillborn baby. i am able to do what i do very well. i am comfortable and i belong. when i am home i am guarded. i dont' feel like i am allowed to share xavier's memory freely and i've actually put almost all of xavier's things in a box and it sits in my closet [a photo book remains in my purse and a picture frame with his tiny footprints & right handprint sit on my dresser]. at home i feel alone. when i am in public i only have two children...i don't tell anyone about xavier, it's too complicated and awkward and that's okay. i know that he exists, in heaven now, i don't need confirmation from anyone that i birthed a baby [and if i really want confirmation i can always talk about xavier in therapy].

today i am able to feel joy when i hold a baby! i've still not accepted that i will never have another baby! though i am sad it finally feels good to hold someone elses baby. i have moments when i just can't handle being around babies and families of six are the hardest, but other moments i'm fine with my little family of four. i never know how i'm going to be from day to day. i journal and do expressive artwork as often as i can. my therapist tells me that i am normal and i'm actually dealing with xavier's death well, or as well as can be expected. i've just gotten stuck in depression due to knowing i'll never have another baby. even writing it devastates me all over again and i want to break down crying. i want to scream. i want to hide under the covers and sleep, only getting up to eat light meals and go to the bathroom.

i thought i would be better than i am at this point, but i'm not. of course today has been a 'sad' day. lately i've had a lot of 'sad' days. i'm in therapy and i wish i could go twice a week, but i only go once a week. sometimes i feel like the first year was easier than this! in fact i think the first year was easier than this. people allowed me to grieve and be devastated, not that i needed permission. now i should be better, magically. nothing has changed in my life, so why would i be better. my baby is dead. as long as that is my reality there is no reason to stop grieving...i feel like i am just surviving - not really living, just surviving each day.

there's no need to pretend that my life is wonderful, in case you haven't noticed, nobody has a completely wonderful - problem free - life. i'm on this grief journey; a journey through life and while i'm sorry for each of our losses i'm incredibly thankful to have found such a wonderful group of women to accompany me on this journey.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

wellness screening part 3...

i will post my weight at least once a month to keep me on track. i haven't exercised yet this week because andy said he would exercise with me and he's been sick. so, here's my plan if i ever get around to starting it...

my plan for losing weight:

  • exercise at least four days a week in the morning

  • eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner

  • eat healthy snacks

my plan for bettering myself:

  • take time for myself EVERYday

  • journal or do artwork daily

  • do devotions daily

  • get enough sleep

  • read books

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

i am an artist...
i write.
i draw.
i sing.
i grieve.

can grieving be an art? i think so. therefore i am an artist.
i grieve xavier ian.
i grieve no more babies.
i grieve this life that i always dreamed of before i realized dreams never come true.
i grieve this life i dreamed of that i never knew as a reality.
i am an artist.

i'm stubborn. i don't like change.
therapy is all about change.
do i really want to change? can i really change? will i ever change? and why?

my mind is all over the place tonight. i've been doing free writing today. i took time for me rather than go to work. i told andy he' not invited to all my therapy sessions anymore! not that he even cared, but it felt good to tell him anyway.

is it possible to be too honest? i think i am too honest. that is when i'm not hiding i'm too honest. is it possible to hide things from myself. i wonder if i even know how i feel sometimes. looking back i know how i felt, but how do i feel right now, in this moment...how do i really feel? i don't mean happy, sad, mad. i mean ecstatic, devastated, enraged! i can't hide how i'm feeling, unless i shut down and even then i'm telling you something about how i feel, right?

i'm learning a lot these days about myself. i'm very controlled or rather i like to be in control. in fact i'm so afraid of losing control that i choose to shut down rather than feel at times. i am very passive. i don't like confrontation, but if you push me too far i scream, then i cry - and i shake! confrontation is very uncomfortable. i need my own space...not even a house, just a place that is mine (where i feel safe) and i'm allowed to be me. i don't really know who i am. i'm not even sure who i want to be anymore.

do you remember when life was simple? summer vacation meant 3 months of playing with friends. staying up all night with friends, then sleeping all day. biking past his house all day until sunset or he chased you away. walking through cemeteries looking for cool headstones or interesting names. sitting behind the church sign to get moment of quiet. screaming as trains went by. believing that love really is enough. somewhere between 11 and 16 simple became extinct. maybe it happened slowly. at least i don't remember it happening overnight. even if my life were simple now, i wouldn't be happy with it, would i?

xavier ian will always be my baby. i will always love him and remember him. how to fit xavier into my life of living, breathing people i'm not sure. or maybe i'm not sure how to fit living, breathing people into a life of remembering xavier ian.

enough honesty for one day. this post has been all over the place and i'm not really sure how i ended up here, but it's where i'll leave you hanging for now.

wellness screening part 2...

my height is 5 feet 1 1/4 inches
my weight is 221
my blood pressure is 110/74 (actually a bit high for me)

so, i have a bit of work to do. ideally i would like to weigh between 150 and 170. we'll see how this goes. andy is sick right now, so we aren't exercising together yet. we wanted to walk or something that we could do in the mornings together as we don't get a lot of time together.

so, no plan in place yet, other than walking with andy in the mornings. i know that walking works because i lost 40 lbs. before just walking and not eating too much junk. unfortunately i've gained it all back (plus a few). so, there you have it! i've put it out there for the world to see...my weight is 221. my goal is to lose 50 lbs. (weigh 170), but i only have to lose half that in a year to pass the screening next year (i think).

now i'll try to update my progress once a month. if i forget then feel free to ask me to post.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

wellness screening part 1...

tomorrow is our annual wellness screening at work for our insurance. i'm going to fail the bmi portion, but it think i'll be fine with the rest...this means i'll be paying $35 extra per paycheck for insurance.

so, later this week i'll post what my weight is at the screening and my plan to lose the extra weight (at least 10% in a year) so that i pass next year's screening. all of you who read my blog can help to encourage me and keep me on track. i'm going to attempt to post once a month about my weight, probably the middle of each month, and hopefully my husband will join me on this adventure.

so, check back later this week and keep me on track!
sometimes i don't have words to express how i truly feel. sometimes all i can do is cry. last night i cried as i journaled, then i cried myself to sleep while holding xavier's teddy bear.
sometimes i can't.
sometimes i don't.
sometimes i won't.
i am stubborn and wear my feelings on my sleeve.
i am fragile.
i am trying to be okay with working while my husband stays home with the kids. i am trying to allow myself to believe that in this day & age that it is okay for a woman to bring home the bacon while the man is the homemaker. i am trying to not feel guilty for being okay with all of this. i actually enjoy my job more than i enjoy being at home doing stuff around the house. if i just made a bit more money this would totally work long term.
work was unexpectedly wonderful tonight. i was dreading going in before work, then i got there and was pleasantly surprised. the last couple of weeks have brought many changes to the unit and the residents have not been adjusting well; perhaps i have not been adjusting well either. anyway, tonight was one of those nights that i'm reminded why i do what i do. i truly love my job.