...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

i am an artist...
i write.
i draw.
i sing.
i grieve.

can grieving be an art? i think so. therefore i am an artist.
i grieve xavier ian.
i grieve no more babies.
i grieve this life that i always dreamed of before i realized dreams never come true.
i grieve this life i dreamed of that i never knew as a reality.
i am an artist.

i'm stubborn. i don't like change.
therapy is all about change.
do i really want to change? can i really change? will i ever change? and why?

my mind is all over the place tonight. i've been doing free writing today. i took time for me rather than go to work. i told andy he' not invited to all my therapy sessions anymore! not that he even cared, but it felt good to tell him anyway.

is it possible to be too honest? i think i am too honest. that is when i'm not hiding i'm too honest. is it possible to hide things from myself. i wonder if i even know how i feel sometimes. looking back i know how i felt, but how do i feel right now, in this moment...how do i really feel? i don't mean happy, sad, mad. i mean ecstatic, devastated, enraged! i can't hide how i'm feeling, unless i shut down and even then i'm telling you something about how i feel, right?

i'm learning a lot these days about myself. i'm very controlled or rather i like to be in control. in fact i'm so afraid of losing control that i choose to shut down rather than feel at times. i am very passive. i don't like confrontation, but if you push me too far i scream, then i cry - and i shake! confrontation is very uncomfortable. i need my own space...not even a house, just a place that is mine (where i feel safe) and i'm allowed to be me. i don't really know who i am. i'm not even sure who i want to be anymore.

do you remember when life was simple? summer vacation meant 3 months of playing with friends. staying up all night with friends, then sleeping all day. biking past his house all day until sunset or he chased you away. walking through cemeteries looking for cool headstones or interesting names. sitting behind the church sign to get moment of quiet. screaming as trains went by. believing that love really is enough. somewhere between 11 and 16 simple became extinct. maybe it happened slowly. at least i don't remember it happening overnight. even if my life were simple now, i wouldn't be happy with it, would i?

xavier ian will always be my baby. i will always love him and remember him. how to fit xavier into my life of living, breathing people i'm not sure. or maybe i'm not sure how to fit living, breathing people into a life of remembering xavier ian.

enough honesty for one day. this post has been all over the place and i'm not really sure how i ended up here, but it's where i'll leave you hanging for now.

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