...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Friday, January 29, 2010

missing xavier...

yesterday i took andy to work. when i got home i couldn't fall back asleep. i was missing xavier.
this morning i took andy to work. i didn't even try to fall back asleep. i'm still missing xavier.

sometimes trusting God is the hardest thing in the world. trusting that God is somehow working through all of this. trusting that God really does love me. trusting that God will have something good come of this. maybe good already has come of this and i just can't see it through my human eyes because i didn't think it was enough. devastation.

andy asked me if i called about counseling yet...no. i'm not sure why i keep putting it off. i'm not sure what scares me about counseling. i really just need someone to listen and be supportive and that's what counseling would be, right? so why am i putting it off?

i know that i'm raw again, probably not thinking clearly, i have this constant need to talk about xavier. i have no one to talk to.

how is it possible to miss someone you barely even knew?

sometimes i feel like i don't deserve to grieve like other people because my baby was so young. we couldn't even tell if he was a boy or girl, so i chose boy (because my mom said that he looked like michael). i never felt him move in my womb (he was too young). i just hear about other people that have full term babies or at least babies big enough to have felt a kick and i feel like i'm a fake. i feel like i'm trying to take something that doesn't rightfully belong to me. then i have guilt for feeling like i can't grieve my son.

in my heart i know i have every right to grieve. in my head i have to justify it and i don't know why. i feel cheated. i should have had more time with my baby; he shouldn't be gone! it's. been nearly eight months...he should be almost three months old, but instead i'm crying while i blog about my grief, my sadness, my lack of support!

i hope tomorrow is better than today. today is going to be a hard day. today is a sad day. it feels like today is the day after losing xavier all over again. i thought it was suppose to get easier over time, but it feels like i keep going back to the beginning. the beginning being when i found out he was gone. i don't know where to end this blog, so i guess here is as good a place as any.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

not enough...

SATURAY 1.23.2010

i am overwhelmed. no matter what i do it is not enough. today we are cleaning the house and no matter what i do, it is not enough. i seem to always have something else to organize or clean because apparently i am like a tornado and leave a mess wherever i go. i am haphazard, i go from one room to another leaving one task incomplete as i move on to the next. andy is frustrated with me. that's okay because he sometimes frustrates me too!

i am missing xavier today. i tried talking to andy a little bit, but he doesn't understand. i'm
looking forward to going out for coffee later in the week with a friend if i can work it into my schedule...i need to work it into my schedule...i need support!

TUESDAY 1.26.2010

thankfully, today is much better than saturday! i have been exercising and that has helped my stress level immensely. as valentine's day draws near i am thinking of ways i can honor xavier's memory (as he was conceived around that time last year) and i'm at a loss. what i really want to do is crochet some baby blankets for goshen general hospital to give to mothers who experience loss, but i am so slow at crocheting that i know i wouldn't complete any by valentine's. possibly that is a project with a deadline closer to his due date in november! i want to honor xavier and i want others to remember him with me.

i met an older lady at work right after i lost xavier, who had experienced infant loss herself years before. i spoke to her a few times before she switched shifts. anyway, after the first time i spoke with her she sent me an e-mail congratulating me on the birth of my son. nobody had congratulated me before because xavier was stillborn. it felt really good that somebody was happy and rejoicing the birth of my son, even if it was a stillbirth. stillbirth is sad, but it is even sadder if you cannot rejoice that you gave birth to a miracle...no matter how small! i truly believe that God allowed me to experience this for a reason, that good will come of this...and i have already seen some good in this whole experience, but it's a very bittersweet feeling.

it's not enough that i believe God will turn this to good...i want to see the good right now. when will i feel that there was enough good that came from losing xavier? will i ever feel there is enough good that has come from losing xavier? i don't think so.
it's not enough that i attend a support group; i need support at home too.
it's not enough to talk the talk, i must also walk the walk. i must show others my God is awesome, and that i believe my God is awesome even through this!
without God i am not enough.
it is not enough just to say i believe...i must really, truly believe and have faith!
it is not enough to say i believe in Jesus. i must follow Him!

i still believe something great and good is yet to come from losing xavier ian. but, if losing xavier was only to teach me to trust God more...that is enough!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

so much more...

people don't understand all the thoughts behind emotions unless you tell them. the past seven months i have been grieving so much more than just the loss of xavier.

this past sunday was the service of remembrance. i met a lady who i had spoken to on the phone after i lost xavier and have been communitcating via facebook. it's good to actually see someone in person who you feel like you have such a connection with. there was so much sadness, joy, and healing in that room. i cried, that shouldn't shock anyone! apparently i am a crier. i cry for so much more than the loss of xavier...

i cry that i...
...am being misunderstood in my own home.
...must rediscover who my husband is in this new reality.
...am afraid my children have forgotten xavier.
...will never physically give birth to another child.

sometimes being joyful just doesn't seem possible. sometimes you just feel like the pastor is speaking to you and only you. a week ago sunday my pastor spoke on being joyful in the midst of our trials, in fact he spoke on being joyful in the midst of others trials; that we should share each others burdens...that sermon has been brought to my mind often over the past week.

this past week a baby died that blessed the lives of so many in his short life (http://arrows4godsarmy.blogspot.com/). i have a friend who is awaiting the birth of a baby, olivia hope, that has blessed many with her anticipated short life (http://fretzfam.blogspot.com/). i don't know if xavier touched any lives, aside from my own. i know that God is using the loss of xavier for good...i have drawn closer to Him. i have been praying for others more, because He has laid it on my heart. i have met wonderful new friends. yet, i still ache to have xavier.

so, i will continue to attempt being joyful in the midst of my trials, in the midst of babies meeting the Maker before we planned because God is good ALL THE TIME and His plans are perfect.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


today i had coffee with a woman from the support group i attend

i can't even remember the last time i went out with a girlfriend...probably college!
anyway, it was wonderful to be able to just sit and drink coffee and have conversation with an adult without running after michael and andi. it was wonderful to be able to talk about xavier without wondering if it was appropriate! i didn't have to worry about her judging me because i wanted to talk about my son, my son who just happens to have died seven months ago. i didn't have to explain that grieving is normal, where i am is normal, i am normal and there is nothing wrong with me. i didn't have to pretend to be happy or even okay that xavier died.

FYI: i'm not weird for carrying around a photo album with pictures of xavier...she does the same thing (with pictures of her daughter of course).

most of our conversation consisted of questioning each other. i think we just wanted to make sure neither of us was crazy, that we both were having some of the same feelings, that we weren't alone! sometimes i feel all alone, but today was a good reminder that i'm not. there are other people, here on earth, that understand what i am thinking and feeling.

we also talked about where her daughter was buried and possiblilties for what i could do with xavier's ashes (presently he is in a box on my closet shelf). we talked about 'shrines' to our babies that we can never forget. she loved that i framed his footprints and handprint in a picture frame that says 'miracle' across the bottom. every child is a miracle. xavier will always be the miracle that changed my life forever, but not the way michael and andi have changed my life!

xavier has made me more aware of the hurting people around me. i've been praying more in general. i've become so much more thankful for my healthy children. it's so easy to take things for granted until you have lost them. xavier has helped me not take the little things for granted.

over coffee & a monster cookie we talked about our hurts and our hopes and our remembrances. the company was good. the conversation was good. the coffee was good. the cookie was good. i think we'll go out again SOON!

Monday, January 11, 2010

joyous ~ james 1:2-8 (NASB)...

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials,
knowing that the testing of you faith produces endurance.
And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.
But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind.
For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord,
being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

this is the passage of scripture pastor tim spoke on yesterday. wow, it really hit me in the gut! right now in the middle of this valley, where i am finding no joy, it seems impossible to imagine that i could find joy. he suggested that the verse is not just speaking of individually, but corporately. we should all be sharing each others trials and joys. individually we are each a child of God who collectively make up the body of Christ. it's true!

i know that i can find joy after the fact. i've always said that i don't regret any experiences i've had in my life because they have molded me into the person i am today. i have found joy even in the worst experiences, but not until after the fact, when it is an afterthought. i'm not sure i can be joyful while i am in the valley right now! it just seems that everything is going sadly (i don't believe in bad days, just sad days). everything is so uncertain!

over the last three weeks work has been hectic to say the least; i have been thinking about xavier like in the beginning again; my marriage has been a curse rather than a blessing. joyful is not a word that describes me right now. before thanksgiving i make a 'tree of thanksgiving' at work. it's just a big piece of paper with rolled up paper bags glued on to make a trunk and branches and leaves that i have written things i am thankful for. i just pulled it out of the closet and hung it up on my bedroom wall. i am thankful for so much, but i'm not joyful right now.

so, i will pray for joy, especially in these trials.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

resolutions for twenty-ten

1. stretch everyday...i want to be more flexible!

2. read the bible more...continue to pray often!

3. encourage others more often!

4. exercise more...continue to lose weight (i've plateaued at 186)

5. journal at least once a week!

6. blog at least once a week!

7. remember to check my blood sugar at least twice a day!

Monday, January 4, 2010

sweet baby boy...

sweet baby boy who will never be known;
you cried no tears of your own.
sweet baby boy who will never be wrapped in a blanket of blue;
i will cry tears for you.
sweet baby boy who will never see tomorrow;
mommy cries for you, tears of sorrow.


well, it's 2010...i'm at a loss for words. things at work have been very chaotic; i hope this is not a glimpse of what is in store the remainder of the year. i just wanted my 29th year to be over...i turned 30 in october, but nothing changed. i'm still me. xavier is still gone. marriage isn't getting any easier. i'm sad. i haven't had a good cry since my last post...i think i need one right about now.

crying is very healingfor me; crying is very therapeutic for me. crying is very cleansing for me. i am sad about losing xavier, but i am also sad about other things. life continues and i continue to be sad. crying helps me.

seven months ago i was in the hospital holding my tiny, cold, lifeless son. seven months ago my world turned upside down. seven months ago i finally felt like an adult. seven months ago i began to become the person i am today. seven months ago i didn't know if i could survive.

i survived. not only have i survived, but i have thrived. i am stronger today than i was seven months ago. i have this life experience that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but has become a defining moment for me on this journey through life. this life experience is just one of many that define who i am.

if xavier had lived and been born on his due date he would be nearly two months old, but he didn't and i am remembering a very sad day today instead...the day xavier was stillborn. i am sad.