...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Monday, January 11, 2010

joyous ~ james 1:2-8 (NASB)...

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials,
knowing that the testing of you faith produces endurance.
And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.
But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind.
For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord,
being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

this is the passage of scripture pastor tim spoke on yesterday. wow, it really hit me in the gut! right now in the middle of this valley, where i am finding no joy, it seems impossible to imagine that i could find joy. he suggested that the verse is not just speaking of individually, but corporately. we should all be sharing each others trials and joys. individually we are each a child of God who collectively make up the body of Christ. it's true!

i know that i can find joy after the fact. i've always said that i don't regret any experiences i've had in my life because they have molded me into the person i am today. i have found joy even in the worst experiences, but not until after the fact, when it is an afterthought. i'm not sure i can be joyful while i am in the valley right now! it just seems that everything is going sadly (i don't believe in bad days, just sad days). everything is so uncertain!

over the last three weeks work has been hectic to say the least; i have been thinking about xavier like in the beginning again; my marriage has been a curse rather than a blessing. joyful is not a word that describes me right now. before thanksgiving i make a 'tree of thanksgiving' at work. it's just a big piece of paper with rolled up paper bags glued on to make a trunk and branches and leaves that i have written things i am thankful for. i just pulled it out of the closet and hung it up on my bedroom wall. i am thankful for so much, but i'm not joyful right now.

so, i will pray for joy, especially in these trials.

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