...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Sunday, February 28, 2010

so, looking through the last few blog posts i decided i should post something happy, and it just so happens that when i got home from work tonight and checked e-mail i found something happy; thanks to lea!

now, i don't believe that xavier died and became an angel, but angel wings definitely symbolize heaven (which is where i believe xavier to be)...so here are xavier's angel wings from lea. you can check out lea's blog to see all the other angel wings she has created!

thank you lea for making my night a bit better. this week is already looking up and it's only sunday!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

one step forward; two steps back...

so, i had a really great weekend; things were starting to look up.

monday; nothing particularly bad happened monday
but then...
tuesday; i was just f.i.n.e. (frantic, inconsolable, neurotic, empty) on tuesday
wednesday; i cried in the morning and i cried before going in to work and i cried myself to sleep wednesday
thursday; does not look good from here at six a.m.
friday; it's too far away to think about friday
the weekend...
saturday; grieving
sunday; crawling into monday to start all over again (if i make it and i'm sure i will; this side of heaven is just that cruel)

how is it that regardless of how far i've come i still go back to the beginning feelings in a flash and get stuck? i'm so angry all over again, or maybe still angry. i go through the motions, do what i have to do, attempt to look human when i feel more like a zombie from lack of sleep and lack of emotions (actually i have emotions...if numb counts). i am so full of rage and overwhelming sadness that i cry off and on for days...then i am numb; nothing left to emote. my body goes numb to spare my brain from exploding! there is so much emotion that i can't process it all.

i am reminded that i am incredibly small compared to GOD and there is nothing i can do without HIM. right now i could not even sit up without HIM. GOD is holding me up so i can sit, and carrying me because i cannot walk on my own. GOD is good ALL THE TIME; even when i don't understand why HE allowed xavier to die.

...one step forward; two steps back (here we go again).

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

...time stands still

so, we are entering the time of year that is going to bring lots of 'one year ago today' thoughts to mind. i feel as though i am taking a step back in my grief. i had come so far. i was doing so well. ...so much growth. now, time stands still (like the beginning) all over again.

i wish i could go back to those innocent days of the first trimester. i wish andy could have been happy with me. i wish time could stand still sometimes, but not now...then. i wish we hadn't lost xavier.

miss andi would have been such a great BIG sister...now she'll never get the chance. i feel like i have stolen something wonderful from her, yet i know it is not my fault. i somehow feel that i have failed her, yet i know i haven't.

last year at this time...
...xavier had just been conceived. we wouldn't find out for a few more weeks that i was pregnant.
...andy and i would have been having much heated discussion on the topic of having another baby. i, of course, wanted another baby and andy did not.
...andy and i had just had our valentine's day weekend a week late. oh the joys of working every other weekend.

i find myself isolating more and more; withdrawing from the world; sad.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

i took a nap...

i just woke up from a five hour nap!

this morning i went grocery shopping, put the groceries away when i got home, and ate lunch. then, i put miss andi down for her nap and i went to lay down...i woke up five hours later (feeling very refreshed) and in a much better mood than i had been in the last few days.

i've really been missing xavier and i don't know why...i mean of course i'm going to miss him, but this is like the beginning again. grief doesn't make sense. grief is unpredictable. grief is bittersweet (remembering the past and longing for a future that will never be) and i'm so glad that i have wonderful friends to support and encourage me through this grief.

i'd like to end this post by thanking a few people for supporting/encouraging me this week...

...there are others, but these are the one's that first come to mind! i really needed support/encouragement this past week and without even knowing it you were all great blessings to me! thank you.

roller coaster...

so, this week has taken me on a roller coaster of emotions (for no apparent reason) and today i am spent!
i need a break from people. i am exhausted.
i hope next week is better. that's really all i have to say today.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

support (finally) from the one i want...

today is a good day!

he doesn't understand what i am going through, but he is finally attempting to be supportive. i am so glad that he is finally attempting to support me in my grief rather than tell me i should be over it. i have my husband back, my best friend, my life partner. so, today is a good day...even if it is valentine's day and reminds me of losing xavier because he was conceived last february.

i was working on a valentine for xavier for stilllife365, but i didn't get it done in time. i will continue to work on it this next week and post a pic when it is finished. tomorrow is parents sharing hope and i am really looking forward to it. some days are good and some days are sad...today is a good day!

i love you xavier ian! happy valentine's day xavier!! i'll love you forever!!!

Monday, February 8, 2010

xavier's name in the snow...

a babylost mama friend wrote xavier's name in the snow! it never occurred to me to write names in the snow!!! now i'll have to try it!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

xavier ian's name in the sand...


i am so proud of this photograph. i am so excited about this photograph. i cherish this photograph. there is an amazing woman who lives in australia, carly marie dudley, and she has a beautiful site where you can read all about the story of her son, christian, and why she writes names in the sand for babylost mama's all over the world...i encourage you to visit the site! carly is such a blessing to me and so many other babylost mama's around the world...thank you carly!

Friday, February 5, 2010

should & shouldn't...

yesterday was eight months. i'm getting really good at distracting myself when i know i have to get things done. it was a hard day. i found myself staring off into space a few times at work thinking the 'should's' then remembering it shouldn't because God's plan is perfect, even if i don't understand. i'm so selfish. i'm so human. and yet God loves me.

i often think of xavier and say to myself, "i should be holding him right now," "i should have a three month old baby right now," "i should have been on maternity leave while work was chaos," "i should just be returning to work...what perfect timing to have a baby."

but the reality is i shouldn't. if it were God's plan for all those should's then we wouldn't have lost xavier, so i shouldn't. that doesn't make me feel any better, but i've been thinking about that a lot lately and i needed to get it out. thank you for listening.

carly finally opened up the request page and i got there in time to get mine in. so, yesterday i honored xavier by requesting his name in the sand on christian's beach. i'll let you know when it posts!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

eight months...

i am alive. i will survive.

it has been eight months since losing xavier ian. i am sad today. i am grieving still. i have wonderful friends and family who have been a great support system...it's just sad that they all live so far away!

my sister-in-law posted this wonderful poem on her blog:

Weeping Willow

I see your tears woman I see your pain
You wear it on your sleeve
You're trying you hide it but I know you can't
You know you can't
You sway with the wind, you are hollow
You sweep with the dance of mourning
You move like a graceful breeze.
Your child is gone, each tear that falls
Is acid burning your eyes and cheeks.
Rivers of pain that do not compare to your
One you never knew
no chance yet to know
to speak
to listen
to learn
to laugh
But old enough yet to love.
So you weep
For not only the child you lost, but for the
Dance the dance of sadness, woman
for your heart is broken

it's nice to know i'm not the only one who remembers him. sometimes, here at home, it feels like i am the only one who remembers him...the only one who doesn't want to forget. i love you xavier ian. i will always love you.

january meeting of meet you at the sunset...

so, the questions have been asked, "how did i cope with the holidays? what was the holiday season like for you? did you do anything special in xavier's memory?"

the holidays were very somber. i was very anxious going into christmas, but it wasn't nearly as hard as i thought it would be. i guess we do tend to think the worst of any situation, right? i shared some artwork, with my family, that i had done a couple of months after losing xavier ian (my world 8.20.9), then four months after losing xavier ian to see how far i had come and (my world 10.10.9) how raw it still was for me (my world is devastation). i felt very alone! i was expecting that though.

i didn't really do anything in xavier's memory. my mom bought him an ornament that said baby's 1st christmas and a friend from a support group i attend bought us each an ornament...an angel that is holding a heart and has hope written near the base. i put the ornaments on the shelf with xavier's footprints & handprint. i cried a lot.