...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Thursday, February 25, 2010

one step forward; two steps back...

so, i had a really great weekend; things were starting to look up.

then...
monday; nothing particularly bad happened monday
but then...
tuesday; i was just f.i.n.e. (frantic, inconsolable, neurotic, empty) on tuesday
and...
wednesday; i cried in the morning and i cried before going in to work and i cried myself to sleep wednesday
today...
thursday; does not look good from here at six a.m.
tomorrow...
friday; it's too far away to think about friday
the weekend...
saturday; grieving
sunday; crawling into monday to start all over again (if i make it and i'm sure i will; this side of heaven is just that cruel)

how is it that regardless of how far i've come i still go back to the beginning feelings in a flash and get stuck? i'm so angry all over again, or maybe still angry. i go through the motions, do what i have to do, attempt to look human when i feel more like a zombie from lack of sleep and lack of emotions (actually i have emotions...if numb counts). i am so full of rage and overwhelming sadness that i cry off and on for days...then i am numb; nothing left to emote. my body goes numb to spare my brain from exploding! there is so much emotion that i can't process it all.

i am reminded that i am incredibly small compared to GOD and there is nothing i can do without HIM. right now i could not even sit up without HIM. GOD is holding me up so i can sit, and carrying me because i cannot walk on my own. GOD is good ALL THE TIME; even when i don't understand why HE allowed xavier to die.

...one step forward; two steps back (here we go again).

2 comments:

  1. Wow Michelle you put into words so well how I've been feeling. I'm so sorry your feeling this way too because it really stinks!!! Big hugs:)

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  2. Well said!!! *hugs* I have similar weeks of ups and downs and I'm sooo sorry that you feel this way too!

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