one step forward; two steps back...

so, i had a really great weekend; things were starting to look up.

then...
monday; nothing particularly bad happened monday
but then...
tuesday; i was just f.i.n.e. (frantic, inconsolable, neurotic, empty) on tuesday
and...
wednesday; i cried in the morning and i cried before going in to work and i cried myself to sleep wednesday
today...
thursday; does not look good from here at six a.m.
tomorrow...
friday; it's too far away to think about friday
the weekend...
saturday; grieving
sunday; crawling into monday to start all over again (if i make it and i'm sure i will; this side of heaven is just that cruel)

how is it that regardless of how far i've come i still go back to the beginning feelings in a flash and get stuck? i'm so angry all over again, or maybe still angry. i go through the motions, do what i have to do, attempt to look human when i feel more like a zombie from lack of sleep and lack of emotions (actually i have emotions...if numb counts). i am so full of rage and overwhelming sadness that i cry off and on for days...then i am numb; nothing left to emote. my body goes numb to spare my brain from exploding! there is so much emotion that i can't process it all.

i am reminded that i am incredibly small compared to GOD and there is nothing i can do without HIM. right now i could not even sit up without HIM. GOD is holding me up so i can sit, and carrying me because i cannot walk on my own. GOD is good ALL THE TIME; even when i don't understand why HE allowed xavier to die.

...one step forward; two steps back (here we go again).