...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

...time stands still

so, we are entering the time of year that is going to bring lots of 'one year ago today' thoughts to mind. i feel as though i am taking a step back in my grief. i had come so far. i was doing so well. ...so much growth. now, time stands still (like the beginning) all over again.

i wish i could go back to those innocent days of the first trimester. i wish andy could have been happy with me. i wish time could stand still sometimes, but not now...then. i wish we hadn't lost xavier.

miss andi would have been such a great BIG sister...now she'll never get the chance. i feel like i have stolen something wonderful from her, yet i know it is not my fault. i somehow feel that i have failed her, yet i know i haven't.

last year at this time...
...xavier had just been conceived. we wouldn't find out for a few more weeks that i was pregnant.
...andy and i would have been having much heated discussion on the topic of having another baby. i, of course, wanted another baby and andy did not.
...andy and i had just had our valentine's day weekend a week late. oh the joys of working every other weekend.

i find myself isolating more and more; withdrawing from the world; sad.

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry. I know this time of year is going to be hard for you. I also know that you are very strong to have gone through what you have endured. You will get through this just as you have gotten through the last year. I am praying for you! Much Love...