...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Friday, December 31, 2010

2011 here we come...

so, it all began with a phone call from my husband this morning that ended in an argument. then one child is kicking and screaming because i will not undress her and put her on the potty. the other child is trying to discipline me for not 'helping' the little one. this is not how i wanted 2010 to end! please let 2011 begin on a quieter note.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

merry christmas...

so 2010 is nearly over. yesterday we had christmas with andy's side and i got to hold a four month old baby boy for an extended period of time. i forgot what a baby feels like, smells like, makes me feel! i am in such a different place this year than i was last year. i have grown so much and changed (hopefully for the better). i still feel overwhelmed (a lot), but i am beginning to live again. i am beginning to do whatever it is i need to do for myself because if i neglect myself then i am no good to anybody!

so, on this christmas day i am reminded that God paid the ultimate price for my sins. i can't even imagine sending my only child to die, to face all the pain of the world, to be tortured - just so some ungrateful creature i created could live eternally with me?! so, i know that God understands how it feels to lose a child to death, but He also realizes what it feels like to be reunited with that child for an eternity and that is what i must focus on...eternity. wow! that is why i struggle so much on this grief journey - because i am only human and it is hard to look toward eternity when i'm stuck in the here & now on earth. the more i try to be Godly the more satan attacks and puts up roadblocks and the more i have to rely on God to get me through to the other side.

over the past year i have struggled with depression, my living situation, my spouse, my children, and my job. i'm guessing that if i spoke to 100 other people all of them would have struggled with some of those same things at some point in time over the past year. my situation; my struggles are not unique - people have been dealing with similar situations since the beginning of time and that is how i know God understands what i am going through. i am clearly in a better place today (emotionally and spiritually) than i was a year ago. i'm hoping that this coming year holds many blessings for me and even more growth. i am on a journey i never imagined i would be on, but i am headed exactly where i always thought i would be - toward a creative, meaningful life here on earth and an eternity in heaven with my family & friends!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

finally feeling a bit of joy...

so, a month and a half after starting meds i'm feeling quite a bit better. i'm even able to be joyful about some things. as christmas draws near i'm choosing to be happy. i'm going to biblical counseling which has also helped immensely with my mood. my relationship with God is better too.

i'm not blogging as much. i'm still reading blogs, but i am finding that i'm just not needing as much online support these days. it's still nice to have all of my online blm friends on facebook and be able to cry with each other or laugh with each other or pray for each other, but i just wanted to let anyone who has been reading my blog know that my posts are going to be more sporadic for awhile until my life becomes a little less busy. while i'm not feeling nearly as overwhelmed lately i am feeling like my life is very full of things...some that help me feel better, some that teach me lessons, and some that seem to just be roadblocks to where i want to be.

i'm allowing myself to be creative. i'm getting to know myself again. i'm starting to live in this 'new normal' and i think things are going to be okay. in fact, i know things are going to be alright because i've got some great support online, in real life, and of course God will still carry me when i don't have the strength to stand. things are looking up just in time for christmas.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


well, i didn't finish all my november thanksgiving posts. november is a really hard month for me and i kind of just gave out in the middle. i'm back in the blogging world now though and i think i would like to post things that bring me joy in december...so, today naps bring me joy! i especially like it when my daughter naps with me because she tucks her feet under me to keep them warm and shares my pillow. we'll see how far i make it this month, but i don't plan on posting everyday like last month.