...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.
so yesterday was august 19, 2010 - for any babylost mama a very special day! day of hope
so yesterday was also august 19, 2010 - michael's first day of kindergarten!
with every milestone i remember xavier and think of the milestones he'll never reach, like kindergarten. i guess that's why holidays are so bittersweet for me now. as i see michael & andi happy i think of xavier and all that he is missing here on earth. i just keep thinking that this isn't how it is suppose to be. maybe i'm selfish, but i want my baby and my own home and to make my own rules. instead i'm grieving, living with my in-laws, and therefore living under someone else's rules. i'm lost and i can't seem to find my way. i feel stuck. this is not how life is suppose to be and it makes me angry that this is how my life is right now. i'm angry that i'm to blame for being in this situation and i'm sad.
here are some pictures of michael's first day of kindergarten!
i'm not sure where time has gone. it's been fourteen months since losing xavier and i have been a mess all day. we were cooking tonight at work, so that helped to keep my mind off of things, but now i am going to have to lay quietly in a dark room and try to go to sleep...i'll probably cry.