...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Sunday, August 29, 2010


xavier ian swords
was stillborn
1 year
2 months
3 weeks
4 days ago.
how sad... :(

Saturday, August 28, 2010

stilllife365 a again...

here's the second piece of my artwork on stilllife365

'my world'

please visit the link and enjoy!

here's a link to the

1st 'my world'

and the

mirror inspired artwork


Friday, August 27, 2010

can crying be a hobby?

(this picture looks how i feel so often - dressed all pretty on the outside, but wailing on the inside; i just hurt so bad)

crying can be
a hobby,
it's been
my hobby
of choice

Friday, August 20, 2010


so yesterday was august 19, 2010 - for any babylost mama a very special day!
day of hope

so yesterday was also august 19, 2010 - michael's first day of kindergarten!

with every milestone i remember xavier and think of the milestones he'll never reach, like kindergarten. i guess that's why holidays are so bittersweet for me now. as i see michael & andi happy i think of xavier and all that he is missing here on earth. i just keep thinking that this isn't how it is suppose to be. maybe i'm selfish, but i want my baby and my own home and to make my own rules. instead i'm grieving, living with my in-laws, and therefore living under someone else's rules. i'm lost and i can't seem to find my way. i feel stuck. this is not how life is suppose to be and it makes me angry that this is how my life is right now. i'm angry that i'm to blame for being in this situation and i'm sad.

here are some pictures of michael's first day of kindergarten!

Monday, August 16, 2010


i finally submitted some artwork to stilllife365...

you can check it out here

my world, michelle swords


mid-month challenge: august

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

fourteen months...

i'm not sure where time has gone. it's been fourteen months since losing xavier and i have been a mess all day. we were cooking tonight at work, so that helped to keep my mind off of things, but now i am going to have to lay quietly in a dark room and try to go to sleep...i'll probably cry.

grief sucks!