...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Saturday, September 25, 2010

september ~ ten questions ~ trees

  1. When you saw the theme of trees for the month of September, what immediately came to your mind?
    I have a ‘tree’ of thanksgiving hanging on the wall in my bedroom and I thought of that.

2. What kinds of words do you associate with trees?
~ beautiful ~ strong ~ rooted ~

3. Of these words, do you associate any with yourself?
I believe I am rooted and strong and beautiful! I am rooted in Christ Jesus and strong enough to have been allowed to experience this grief and a beautiful mother!

4. Have you been an outdoorsy person throughout your life?
I am not an outdoorsy person. I enjoy it on occasion and when I was younger I enjoyed it more than I do now, but I am not an outdoorsy person!

5. How has your relationship with nature changed since your loss(es)?
I am constantly looking at the clouds. I used to occasionally look at the sky and think, “how pretty,” but now I search the clouds – looking for a glimpse of Xavier looking down on me!

6. Did you plant a tree or bush in honor of your child?
No, but I would love to plant a little garden for him if we ever buy our own house! I think it would be wonderful to have a place to go and just sit in beauty while being able to think of Xavier; a place just for him.

7. If you have planted a tree for your child, in what ways do you incorporate the tree into your life? If you haven't, what natural images do you associate with your loss? (Do you tend to it? Do you meditate or reflect under it? Do you places flowers by it?)
In the weeks following Xavier’s stillbirth I remember just sitting outside and staring at the grass, the flowers, and the trees…I remember realizing their beauty and thinking about how fragile life really is and how I have absolutely no control of anything. God created all the grass, flowers, and trees and God is in control – I don’t have to worry.

8. Trees have also been used to represent families. Talk a bit about your own family tree.
I decline to answer this question.

9. What are your feelings now about family trees and exploring your own lineage?
It would be really neat to know more about my family tree, but I’m not intrigued enough to engage in a search. When my granddad died one of my aunts made a dvd slideshow of all these old pictures of my grandparents, great-grandparents, and numerous other relatives I know little or nothing about. I love watching that dvd. I love seeing the old pictures.

10. The rings of trees fascinate me. I remember learning that in hard years, the rings were smaller, or darker than in years of good water. Describe the rings of your tree.
I decline to answer this question at this time.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

it's been a hard day...

today was a hard day. we rearranged the living room and sorted through all the toys - throwing away broken ones. ...so many memories and so many broken memories (memories that could have been).

i was rewarded for my difficult day. we went to olive garden for dinner. now i'm awake way too late with too much on my mind and nobody awake to talk.

today i was a roller coaster of emotions all day. some days are just harder than others i guess.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

i would love to write something profound; something that everyone would read and think, "i wish i had thought that up," but i have nothing profound to say.
i'm still breathing. i get up every morning and follow a daily routine most days. i still take care of my children and love them. i still think about xavier ian EVERY day! sometimes i cry, but not as often as i once did. sometimes i can't function, but those days are fewer and further between. i don't know how i'm still breathing, but i am. actually i do know how i'm still breathing - GOD! praise Jesus - even when i don't feel like it! He has carried me through the past fifteen months and continues to carry me on hard days.
most of the time i just feel as though i don't fit into a certain group of people. i'm a bit disconnected from the world. i am a daughter who calls home not often enough. i am a sister who doesn't acknowledge appreciation for my siblings often enough. i am a friend who forgets more often than remembers. i am a coworker who doesn't always pull my own weight. i am a wife full of flaws. i am a mommy to both living and dead children.
i thought learning how to mother living children was difficult until i had to learn to mother a dead one. some people don't understand the need to mother a dead child. even i can't explain it, but i know that there are many out there who also struggle with how to mother a dead child and not look crazy to the rest of the world. how do you keep the memory alive without looking crazy? how do you honor your child without neglecting those that are living? how do you tell the world that, even though they never stopped moving & breathing, it is a miracle every day you get out of bed, take a breath, and function even somewhat normally because your child is dead? how do you ever accept this 'new normal' and begin really truly living again?