...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Sunday, September 12, 2010

i would love to write something profound; something that everyone would read and think, "i wish i had thought that up," but i have nothing profound to say.
i'm still breathing. i get up every morning and follow a daily routine most days. i still take care of my children and love them. i still think about xavier ian EVERY day! sometimes i cry, but not as often as i once did. sometimes i can't function, but those days are fewer and further between. i don't know how i'm still breathing, but i am. actually i do know how i'm still breathing - GOD! praise Jesus - even when i don't feel like it! He has carried me through the past fifteen months and continues to carry me on hard days.
most of the time i just feel as though i don't fit into a certain group of people. i'm a bit disconnected from the world. i am a daughter who calls home not often enough. i am a sister who doesn't acknowledge appreciation for my siblings often enough. i am a friend who forgets more often than remembers. i am a coworker who doesn't always pull my own weight. i am a wife full of flaws. i am a mommy to both living and dead children.
i thought learning how to mother living children was difficult until i had to learn to mother a dead one. some people don't understand the need to mother a dead child. even i can't explain it, but i know that there are many out there who also struggle with how to mother a dead child and not look crazy to the rest of the world. how do you keep the memory alive without looking crazy? how do you honor your child without neglecting those that are living? how do you tell the world that, even though they never stopped moving & breathing, it is a miracle every day you get out of bed, take a breath, and function even somewhat normally because your child is dead? how do you ever accept this 'new normal' and begin really truly living again?

1 comment:

  1. I'm reading sone these older posts today because I must have missed some. Wow what you described here is a lot the same as it's been for me. Feeling the need to mother Gracie even though she's dead and it's hard to know how to do this in our current culture. Big hugs<3