...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

the journey continues...


reflecting over the past year brings me great joy, even greater sadness, and hope...

if you had asked me in january what i thought was in store for me this year i never would have even thought about what the year brought...

i remember at michael's birthday party (in january) our pastor asked us if we planned on having more kids, since we already had a boy and girl. what he didn't know was that andy and i had been discussing that very topic a lot! i wanted more kids and andy wanted to wait til we had more money...

a couple of months later we found out i was pregnant with xavier ian who was stillborn june 4, 2009. i love my husband, but this past year has been the toughest on our marriage thus far. arguing about having another child, getting pregnant, losing xavier, moving in with andy's parents to try and get out of debt, job stress, potty training (a child i do not believe is ready)! nobody tells you about all the hardships that marriage brings...probably because even if they did you would just laugh it off and say, "that'll never happen to us."

i've met some wonderful people through the loss of xavier...
i've been able to help a friend because i have understanding about loss that not everyone has...
i've been reminded of God's love for me...

now, don't get me wrong...i would not wish this past year on my worst enemy, but i can honestly say that i do not regret it. regret implies that i wish something would change and i truly don't. so many good things have come from the loss of xavier; yes, much sorrow as well...but so many blessings. i know i will see my baby in heaven someday!

this year has brought tears, sleepless nights, and a newfound passion for praying for others. this year has been a year of change. i have felt God in more real way than i have felt Him for a long time. i have felt His loving arms holding me up when i didn't have the strength to stand. i have felt Him carry me when i didn't have the strength to go on my own. i have felt God's love for me. i have chosen to look for the positive and not dwell on the negative. i have learned to grieve in a very healthy way.

there are sad days and there always will be, but there are also happy days...being sad does not make a day bad, there are no bad days...my thinking has been transformed.

i have been walking through the valley...and i survived...i am stronger! whatever next year brings i now know i can handle it because God will send me whatever support system i may need and really God is the greatest support of all.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

some people just don't get it!

i told a friend that i was journaling and writing poetry.
the friend said, 'great...that means you're thinking about stuff you shouldn't be thinking about."

what exactly am i not suppose to be thinking about? how can some people be so insensitive; have such a lack of empathy?! the thing that hurts the most is this is someone i am/was (i'm just not sure at this point) really close to and they feel this way.

writing is a way to get the jumbled thoughts out of my head! writing helps to clear my mind! writing helps me to feel better! i still think about xavier ian everyday. it's not debilitating; i'm not depressed; i just think about him a lot. i don't think there is anything wrong with this, in fact i think it's pretty normal. i've talked with others that have lost a baby and even ten, twenty, thirty years down the road they think about their lost child on a daily basis. at some point you are no longer grieving...the loss just becomes a part of who you are. i don't know if i'm to that point yet, but i'm definitely getting there...without the help of this so called friend i regret to say.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


so, i tried writing a poem today. it's been a long time since i wrote any. i'm not ready to share it yet...i don't think it's finished. i have a few bits and pieces that may become poems someday, but today they are just unfinished.

i've had a lot going on in my head lately and i feel that i just haven't found the right outlet to express what i'm feeling. i hope i find it soon or i fear my head may explode!

chatting with 'old' friends and reconnecting with people from my past has been wonderful!
the thing about reconnecting with 'old' friends is that 'old' feelings are found...whether happy or sad or angry...they are found! i thought i had dealt with a lot of the stuff that happened in high school, but apparently not. so much for not feeling 16 anymore; for feeling like an adult. there is just so much i need to get out of my head so i can work it out...i don't know where to begin. i believe life is a journey, but i fear i'm lost and i keep passing by the same tree over and over and over...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

'old friends'

i've recently reconnected with many 'old' friends and acquaintances on facebook. it's funny how you can pick up right where you left off with some people and others, not so much! many people i have reconnected with have children, are married, and frankly i'm a little surprised that they requested or accepted my friendship on facebook considering how they acted towards me in school. i'm not sure if they've all matured or if they're all just curious about what became of me. i know i'm curious as to what became of them.

my best finds on facebook are people that i was incredibly close to, then we lost touch due to my moving away and now we've found each other again! i can totally see God working through all of this. one friend had a miscarriage a couple years ago. one friend lost a baby nearly two years old. one friend is dealing with an unwanted abortion...the father is affected by an abortion too! all that said, these people have returned to my life at just the right time...the pieces in this puzzle are fitting together perfectly, just the way God intended. now we can continue to heal, together. we can learn from each other. we are all at a different point in our grief and healing at our own rate. we are all on a journey that we never expected to be on; a journey i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but i can't think of any people i would rather be on this journey with!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


the picture above is an 'old' friend from high school!

i've recently reconnected with some 'old' friends via facebook. it's funny how there are some people that regardless of the years of separation you can pick up right where you left off. some people still give you the creeps and then you wonder, "why did i send/accept this friend request?" some people are just awkward to talk to, like we've grown apart and really we have. it's nice to be able to pick up right where we left off...i've refound some best friends this way.
i've also been thinking about how different my life could have been. it's not that i regret the life i have, but i wonder...what if? don't we all do that when things aren't going perfectly? and really, when are things ever going perfectly? i've always said that i do not regret any choice i have made because all these life experiences have made me who i am today. without them i don't know who i would be; where i would be. as i get older i realize that i am so thankful for the friends God has put in my life, always at just the right time. i am incredibly thankful for the mistakes i have made on this journey, i do not regret them. i truly believe that i would not be the person i am today without making those mistakes. the key is to learn from the mistakes you make and i have...sometimes it was just the second or third or hundredth time(i'm pretty stubborn sometimes). some of the people that helped me most initially after losing xavier are not the same ones that are helping me most now. yes, some of my 'old' friends are helping me a great deal...and they may not even know it. sometimes the most helpful or supportive thing can be acknowledging xavier's existence(short as it was). i have more good days than bad days, but i still think about xavier every day. sometimes i can't get him out of my head. sometimes i don't want to get him out of my head. i hope i am helping out some of my 'old' friends too. i believe God has a way of putting the puzzle together just right, but we don't see it in the moment. i realized when i was looking through my facebook inbox that i had reconnected with one friend just days before losing xavier, then found out that he had a loss a while back. this friend has been such a blessing to me. God knows where all the pieces of the puzzle go and puts them together in just the right order...i just can't see that when i'm in the moment! there are no missing pieces...i just keep telling myself that because i'm only human and i think i NEED to see the finished product to understand why. in reality...i just need to trust God and obey Him. i'm learning that God doesn't make mistakes and doesn't have to explain Himself to me. i guess there are some things that will have to wait til the other side of heaven.

Friday, December 4, 2009

'my world' is devastation

From your album: "expressive art"
'my world' is devastation drawn 10.12.2009

i drew this the same time i did my second 'my world'...but, i was incredibly sad again and i felt journaling was inadequate, so i drew 'my world' is devastation.

~ these are only moments in time, but it is intense when this is 'my world'

i am swimming in a sea of devastation
my universe of hope has been turned upside down
there is only one island...the island of hope
all my supports have been moved into the universe of hope, out of my reach for now or flooded by the sea of devastation
i am small, nearly invisible

my world is sometimes flooded with devastation due to losing xavier ian. i cannot see the hope in the universe due to it blending into the devastation i am feeling. my world may look like this for a moment, a day, or a week before i see God's glory and allow people into my world and begin healing once again. when my world is flooded with devastation i can barely stay afloat in the mucky waters. the island of hope is virtually unreachable. i am devastated. i am completely isolated and alone. God is waiting patiently.

thoughts of xavier ian cloud my island of hope in my sea of devastation. God is waiting patiently.

everything reminds me of my lost son. i cry and cry. nothing helps. God is waiting patiently. i am drowning.

~bright spot; my only hope

'my world' drawn 10.10.2009

From your album: "expressive art"
'my world' drawn 10.10.2009

this is about two months after my original was drawn
...four months after xavier ian's stillbirth

the colors are bolder - i used pen rather than colored pencil
i am stronger - i am beginning to heal

there are still blank stars
i still have all my bright spots
...my islands are now bright spots in my universe of healing

i swim in a sea of peace, passion, & love
my universe of hope is turning from a universe of hope into a universe of healing

~ bright spot
april & a blank star

~bright spot
God, faith, glory

~ bright spot
tonya & a blank star

~ bright spot

~ bright spot

~ bright spot
parents sharing hope

~ bright spot
family & matt

'my world' drawn 8.20.2009

since losing xavier ian i have used journaling and expressive art to help grieve, cope, and heal. i drew the first 'my world' drawing in august. here it is...the captions explain the details of the drawing.

From your album:
"expressive art"

i drew 'my world' on 8.20.2009
the entire world is drawn in words...

~ the blank stars are bright spots that i have yet to discover on this journey...something so very important, but i do not know that yet.

~ i am swimming in a sea of grief

~ i am surrounded by my universe of hope

~ the squiggles in the middle of the islands are flowers to represent growth

~ notice some stars fall off the page to represent that they are from my past or going with me into the future

~ bright spot in my universe of hope - my beautiful friend april from college

~ bright spot in my universe of hope - my encouraging friend tonya from college

~ bright spot - journal
i journal a lot...more so after we first lost xavier ian, but i still journal a few times a week

~ bright spot - singing & music
i love to sing...there's just something very healing about singing praise and worship music to God in prayer

~ bright spot - parents sharing hope
this is a support group i attend of parents that have lost a baby/babies through miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death

~ bright spot - matt

island of hope - family
as i swim in my sea of grief...
i am very near my family island.
xavier is the center of my world and i have joy surrounding me because i am a christian. the butterflies and cross also represent my faith.

island of hope - oaklawn
i work at oaklawn and have had much support from co-workers...it has been such a blessing

island of hope - faith, God, church
everything on this island helps to support me and grow

continent of andy - my husband, my rock

~ continent of michael - i continue to grow and keep on keeping on

~ continent of andi - again i continue to grow and keep on keeping on

xavier is the center of 'my world'
i am surrounded by growth and support
there is a whirlpool of joy that i occasionally find near xavier


xavier ian was stillborn six months ago. sometimes it seems that i'm the only one who hasn't forgotten. yesterday i received a message on facebook from someone i hadn't spoken to in years. she said, "so sorry to learn you lost a son. that has to be tough." it made my day that she acknowledged xavier because it seems so many have forgotten him.

up until a month ago my son and daughter would talk about 'the baby', but i fear they too have forgotten.

i haven't forgotten; i never will.

i struggle to keep xavier's memory alive because he never lived outside the womb. i am the only one who knew him, but even i only feel that i knew of him sometimes. i never felt him move (he was too young). there is a bond between a mother and her child from the moment the child is conceived and that bond cannot be broken! i love xavier ian, just as i love michael and andi. i miss him.