the journey continues...

http://apps.facebook.com/my-year-in-status/show.php?u=637358428&t=1261542924&from=feed_img&ref=nf

reflecting over the past year brings me great joy, even greater sadness, and hope...

if you had asked me in january what i thought was in store for me this year i never would have even thought about what the year brought...

i remember at michael's birthday party (in january) our pastor asked us if we planned on having more kids, since we already had a boy and girl. what he didn't know was that andy and i had been discussing that very topic a lot! i wanted more kids and andy wanted to wait til we had more money...

a couple of months later we found out i was pregnant with xavier ian who was stillborn june 4, 2009. i love my husband, but this past year has been the toughest on our marriage thus far. arguing about having another child, getting pregnant, losing xavier, moving in with andy's parents to try and get out of debt, job stress, potty training (a child i do not believe is ready)! nobody tells you about all the hardships that marriage brings...probably because even if they did you would just laugh it off and say, "that'll never happen to us."

i've met some wonderful people through the loss of xavier...
i've been able to help a friend because i have understanding about loss that not everyone has...
i've been reminded of God's love for me...

now, don't get me wrong...i would not wish this past year on my worst enemy, but i can honestly say that i do not regret it. regret implies that i wish something would change and i truly don't. so many good things have come from the loss of xavier; yes, much sorrow as well...but so many blessings. i know i will see my baby in heaven someday!

this year has brought tears, sleepless nights, and a newfound passion for praying for others. this year has been a year of change. i have felt God in more real way than i have felt Him for a long time. i have felt His loving arms holding me up when i didn't have the strength to stand. i have felt Him carry me when i didn't have the strength to go on my own. i have felt God's love for me. i have chosen to look for the positive and not dwell on the negative. i have learned to grieve in a very healthy way.

there are sad days and there always will be, but there are also happy days...being sad does not make a day bad, there are no bad days...my thinking has been transformed.

i have been walking through the valley...and i survived...i am stronger! whatever next year brings i now know i can handle it because God will send me whatever support system i may need and really God is the greatest support of all.