...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Monday, January 4, 2010


well, it's 2010...i'm at a loss for words. things at work have been very chaotic; i hope this is not a glimpse of what is in store the remainder of the year. i just wanted my 29th year to be over...i turned 30 in october, but nothing changed. i'm still me. xavier is still gone. marriage isn't getting any easier. i'm sad. i haven't had a good cry since my last post...i think i need one right about now.

crying is very healingfor me; crying is very therapeutic for me. crying is very cleansing for me. i am sad about losing xavier, but i am also sad about other things. life continues and i continue to be sad. crying helps me.

seven months ago i was in the hospital holding my tiny, cold, lifeless son. seven months ago my world turned upside down. seven months ago i finally felt like an adult. seven months ago i began to become the person i am today. seven months ago i didn't know if i could survive.

i survived. not only have i survived, but i have thrived. i am stronger today than i was seven months ago. i have this life experience that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but has become a defining moment for me on this journey through life. this life experience is just one of many that define who i am.

if xavier had lived and been born on his due date he would be nearly two months old, but he didn't and i am remembering a very sad day today instead...the day xavier was stillborn. i am sad.

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