twenty-ten...

well, it's 2010...i'm at a loss for words. things at work have been very chaotic; i hope this is not a glimpse of what is in store the remainder of the year. i just wanted my 29th year to be over...i turned 30 in october, but nothing changed. i'm still me. xavier is still gone. marriage isn't getting any easier. i'm sad. i haven't had a good cry since my last post...i think i need one right about now.

crying is very healingfor me; crying is very therapeutic for me. crying is very cleansing for me. i am sad about losing xavier, but i am also sad about other things. life continues and i continue to be sad. crying helps me.

seven months ago i was in the hospital holding my tiny, cold, lifeless son. seven months ago my world turned upside down. seven months ago i finally felt like an adult. seven months ago i began to become the person i am today. seven months ago i didn't know if i could survive.

i survived. not only have i survived, but i have thrived. i am stronger today than i was seven months ago. i have this life experience that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but has become a defining moment for me on this journey through life. this life experience is just one of many that define who i am.

if xavier had lived and been born on his due date he would be nearly two months old, but he didn't and i am remembering a very sad day today instead...the day xavier was stillborn. i am sad.