...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

a verse for today...

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

i imagine God serenading me...how cool is that? God loves me so much that he is serenading me, delighting in me. God has saved me and rejoices that he has saved me.

wedding band...

i recently started wearing my engagement ring & wedding band again. i also wear a dragonfly ring and one more ring depending on my mood. there were a few weeks i was only wearing my wedding band. i didn't take it off ever.

there were a few weeks that i wore my rings until bedtime at work and then took them off, not putting them back on til i returned to work the next day.

anyway, back to the point of this entry. i started meeting with an accountability partner through my church (leesburg grace brethren) for a purity covenant that i signed over the summer. i realized that i was so angry with my husband for a time that i quit wearing my rings altogether. i started wearing the wedding band again and i didn't take it off for weeks. just recently i started wearing all my rings again. it's amazing what a small piece of metal with a few gemstones signifies in my mind, maybe in all our minds. when i felt like i was doing something right and i was encouraging people it became important to me to wear my wedding rings all the time again.

my marriage is definitely difficult right now, but i'm not willing to give up. i'm hopeful and i believe that God is working in our marriage or at least in me :) my accountability partner told me that she is encouraged by me not giving up on my marriage through all the trials we've been through the past three years. anyone else want to share about marriage troubles after a loss?

Monday, August 29, 2011


so, here's my question to angie (the creator of still life 365)...

Michelle: my question is do you ever deal with feelings that you just can't take care of your living children because you are trying to take care of your dead child? i am really struggling with this right now as i am the only one who seems to remember xavier. i feel like i have to mother xavier because he is dead and there are others that can 'mother' my living children for me and it breaks my heart that i struggle with this.

...and here is angie's answer: Oh, Michelle, your question hit me in the gut. Yes, absolutely. Particularly in the beginning. I haven't felt that way in a long time, come to think of it. Sometimes I feel like I spin my wheels in my house trying to integrate Lucy, or I should say, I feel like I used to spin my wheels. I don't know when it happened, somewhere between 18 months and two years where Lucy's death and my mothering her became integrated into our life. It felt natural and like I wasn't two mothers torn between two ways of being--grieving and mother, or mothering Lucy and mothering everyone else. Rather, I felt like one mother now. But I so frequently get frustrated that I seem to be the keeper of grief in our home. The one to establish rituals. The one to remember Lucia. I guess I mean that my husband does not feel the same impulse to remember and honor her. I asked him once why and he said, "Because you do that for us, and I appreciate it."

if you've never checked out her blog, you really should. i was reading something this week about writing makes us feel naked. i think it's true. if you are writing from your heart then there is definitely a sense of nakedness that may make you uncomfortable or others uncomfortable. i think counseling makes me feel naked too. i always try to wear a jacket or something long-sleeved so i can pull my hands inside. so, the more honest you are - the more naked you are! lol

Friday, August 26, 2011


apparently i'm angry. my therapist told me that i need to get angry because it's in there, but it's hiding. i don't get angry very often and when i do it's rather short lived. anyway, i have an assignment this week to do some free writing on my anger and i'm not doing so well with it. i love the book i was suppose to skim through before doing the free writing (writing down the bones by natalie goldberg), in fact i've read the whole thing rather than just skimming it. now, i just need to stop putting it off and do the free writing. ugh!

Thursday, August 11, 2011


i've been working on some stuff in counseling...hard stuff. i feel broken, but my counselor assures me i am 'normal' if there is such a thing as normal. today in counseling, actually the last few times we've been talking about what i really want out of life and what i really want out of life is happiness. i have peace already, but i want happiness. i used to say, "i want to be a _____ when i grow up." now i just say, "i want to be happy when i grow up." and really that's what i want for my kids too. i want them to be happy. sometimes i look at miss andi after we've had a really hard day and she's been in trouble a lot and she's still smiling. i think how can she smile after all that's happened today? is she really happy? i hope she is. i hope she is truly happy and it continues throughout her life. i also hope my children have peace.

i've also been working on being more assertive and actually taking time for myself throughout the day. i've been working on taking time to relax and recharge. i've been working on changing me, so that i can be a better person. i've got a long way to go...but i'm getting there. i know that there are always ways we can grow and become better throughout our entire lives, but right now it feels good to be able to focus on me for one hour a week and then work on the assignments i've been given to better myself.