...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Thursday, August 11, 2011


i've been working on some stuff in counseling...hard stuff. i feel broken, but my counselor assures me i am 'normal' if there is such a thing as normal. today in counseling, actually the last few times we've been talking about what i really want out of life and what i really want out of life is happiness. i have peace already, but i want happiness. i used to say, "i want to be a _____ when i grow up." now i just say, "i want to be happy when i grow up." and really that's what i want for my kids too. i want them to be happy. sometimes i look at miss andi after we've had a really hard day and she's been in trouble a lot and she's still smiling. i think how can she smile after all that's happened today? is she really happy? i hope she is. i hope she is truly happy and it continues throughout her life. i also hope my children have peace.

i've also been working on being more assertive and actually taking time for myself throughout the day. i've been working on taking time to relax and recharge. i've been working on changing me, so that i can be a better person. i've got a long way to go...but i'm getting there. i know that there are always ways we can grow and become better throughout our entire lives, but right now it feels good to be able to focus on me for one hour a week and then work on the assignments i've been given to better myself.

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