...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Sunday, July 24, 2011


lately a lot of people have told me that i am one of the strongest people they know. i must be hiding my shattered heart well to the rest of the world. this last week took a toll on me. i had to go into the bathroom at work to cry on several occasions. i don't think anybody noticed. i don't think of myself as a strong person...i just do what i have to in order to survive. sometimes i don't even feel like i'm truly living, just surviving. i've felt God holding me up again over the past week. i don't know where i would be without my faith.

i've been going to counseling and i've been surviving each week til my next session. counseling is amazing...my counselor is amazing. i can say anything i want and i'm not judged (at least not outwardly), i'm not told i did something wrong, i'm not told to do things differently. my counselor assures me that i'm normal (something i quit believing years ago) and i believe that he believes i'm normal.

so, here it is a new week and i'm looking very forward to thursday when i have counseling again. i love my husband, but i can't talk about work with him. i love my family, but i hide the tears from them. i love my job, but presently it is stressful. i love counseling and for one hour on thursday i can let it all out and feel safe doing it! i don't have to hide the tears. i can shout if i want. i can be raw and it'll be okay. i am looking forward to thursday because it helps me to stay strong the rest of the week.

don't get me wrong...counseling is not church, but counseling in addition to church makes me a much better person right now. i go to church and there are people who i totally open up to and let it all out, including my pastor. i go to church and learn about how God is working in my life now. i go to church and feel refreshed for my week. i need church because i need to feel connected to others. i need counseling because i need a safe place to explode!

so, if i do appear to be strong it's only because God has placed an amazing church family and an amazing counselor, along with amazing friends in my life for this time. if i am strong it is not my strength you see, but rather God who is holding me in the palm of his hand carrying me through these tough days.


  1. Hi Michelle. I clicked over here from BLM Bloggers. It's nice to meet you.

    In my first book I wrote about this - I confessed that I HATED it when people told me how strong I was and how they wouldn't be able to handle that sort of loss with such grace. I was offended because I felt they were saying I must be cold-hearted (although I KNOW they didn't mean it that way). People just don't understand that you are hiding it when you're in public... that you are falling apart in private.

    I'm glad you have a good counselor. That's a blessing. I praise God for people He brings into our lives who can truly lighten our burdens. I'm also so grateful for His comfort and strength through the difficult times and that He restores our joy. :)

    It's so nice to meet you Michelle.

  2. It's nice that you are able to have the freedom to speak about your heart without judgment. I completely agree with what you had to say.

  3. We hear that often- that we are so strong? What choice is there?

    Im glad the counseling helps! Im sure it feels amazing to be able to talk about whatever w/o feeling judged