...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

...in honor of national infertility week...and a challenge from lis...

disclaimer: i do not suffer from infertility, but lis sent out this challenge, so here i go...

myths and facts about infertility (with my opinion thrown in!) from RESOLVE

Myth: Infertility is a women's problem.
: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up.

i actually did know this, but i agree that people generally think there's something wrong with the woman rather than the man and that's not true at all!

Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.
Fact: More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. When you seek support, you will find that you are not alone. Join RESOLVE, a support group, or talk with others who are struggling to build a family, so that you won't feel isolated.
michelle: i'm not naive enough to believe this, although we did get pregnant quickly with michael and as soon as michael stopped nursing we got pregnant with andi. xavier was a surprise, but apparently not meant to be this side of heaven.
Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!
Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.
michelle: i've actually heard people say this and they are still not pregnant, so obviously it is a myth. although can you imagine if some resort decided to start advertising that if you took a vacation there you'd get pregnant...they could make quite a bit of money off a scam like that...

Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.
Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.
michelle: yeah, if you have an infertility problem then get some help...it makes sense. i didn't realize the 50% stat though.

Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!
Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.
michelle: i've actually heard of a story like this. of course it was coincidental, but it made me wonder. it's good to see that it is only a myth. there are so many babies that need to be adopted, it's too bad it costs so much money.

Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!
Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. However, most people explore medical treatment for infertility prior to considering adoption. In addition, traditional adoption options have changed, and adoption can be more costly and time-consuming than expected. It is, however, still possible to adopt the healthy baby of your dreams. There are also many older children and children with special needs available for adoption.
michelle: i can't imagine someone telling someone who want to get pregnant that they should just adopt. yes, you would have a baby, but if your dream was to give birth you'll still feel a void. adoption is great, but needs to be wanted and accepted TOTALLY!

Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!
Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.
michelle: i have nothing to say to this except, "how dumb do you think someone is that they can't even have sex right?!"

Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.
Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.
michelle: if you really meant your marriage vows, then you are in it for better or for worse (with baby or without baby) and you'll be willing to work on your marriage. marriage is hard work!

Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!
Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.
michelle: seriously?! how could anyone say this to someone? anytime someone tells me that something is possibly God's way of telling me something i just want to hit them! first if God is trying to tell me something, let me figure it out on my own. secondly, don't make assumptions about what God is trying to tell me.

Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.
Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be child free or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.
michelle: wow! that is harsh. i've never heard anyone say anything like this.

Myth: I shouldn't take a month off from infertility treatment for any reason... I just know that this next month will be THE one!
Fact: It is important periodically to reassess your treatment and your parenting goal. Continuity in treatment is important, but sometimes a break can provide needed rest and renewal for the next steps.
michelle: it makes sense that taking time off would be helpful, especially if you've been doing one treatment for awhile and it's not working. i mean, why continue something that isn't working for 'x' amount of time...that seems silly to me. think about cancer, does the doctor say, "here's the one treatment we have and we'll continue doing it until you are cured or die?" no. the doctor tries one treatment and if that doesn't work tries another and if that doesn't work keeps trying. yes, you shouldn't give up, but that doesn't mean you should continue doing something that isn't working.

Myth: I'll be labeled a 'trouble maker' if I ask too many questions.
Fact: The physician/patient team is important. You need to be informed about what treatments are available. What is right for one couple may not be right for another, either physically, financially, or emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask questions of your doctor.
A second opinion can be helpful. If needed, discuss this option with your physician.
michelle: if your doctor labels you a 'trouble maker' for asking too many questions, then it's time to get a new doctor!

Myth: I know I'll never be able to stop treatment until I have a pregnancy.
Fact: Pregnancy is not the only pathway to parenthood. You may begin to think more about parenthood than about pregnancy. You may long for your life to get back to normal. You may consider child free living or begin to think of other ways to build a family.
michelle: imagine losing the baby. then i'm guessing that you will never be able to stop until you have a living baby. yes, there are other ways to parenthood, but again if your dream is to give birth you'll possibly have to accept parenthood without birth.

Myth: I've lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!
Fact: Infertility is a life crisis -- it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences.
michelle: i'm sure it's just like everything else. it seems impossible while you're in it, but you will come through and have stories to tell and hopefully be a better person for it. AND if you have a positive outcome all the more you'll appreciate your baby!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


we are invisible to the naked eye...

there are so many of us, those who have lost our precious babies.
i am so sad all the time, happy in a way, but sad at the same time.
i have been reading blogs and not updating mine. i am sad. i just don't have the words to express what i want to express. i want to do artwork, but nothing is turning out right. i want to be happy, but i'm afraid that happy means forgetting and i never want to forget.

i am a mother.
i am sad.
i have quit dreaming because dreams don't come true.
i am jaded.

how am i to raise my children to be dreamers when i am no longer a dreamer. i want my children to be happy and creative, but i feel i am a killjoy on life.

i've been organizing pictures on the computer and i can't even look at the pictures of when i was happy. they just make me cry. remembering happiness, being naive, innocence...it makes me sad.

i am jaded...forever.
i can never be the person i was before again.
just when i had begun to find myself i lost myself again.

i've said it before, but i am grieving so much more than the loss of xavier.
i've lost nearly a year of my life and now i'm starting over at 30. the past year was my gestational period, now i am born and growing up (learning to live again).

i feel as though i am starting all over again.

who am i?

growing up once is hard enough. do i really have to do it again? this time i'm not learning things for the first time, i'm relearning how to breathe, how to go on when it would be easier not to, how to live again. i've been through trials and hard times (that's all part of growing up), but now i'm still growing up! i am jaded. i am no longer carefree. i am guarded. i am lost; clinging to God with all my might, but it's not enough (it's a good thing God has big hands and can carry me), i can't do this on my own.

there are just so many of us. we are invisible to the outside world. we have learned how to navigate through kroger or walmart or kohl's without screaming; without telling everyone our story. but, everywhere i look i see mothers with three or four children and think, "that should be me." i see happy, smiling people and wonder if i'll ever feel joy again.

GRIEF is bittersweet.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

i missed a meeting...

missing a meeting may not seem like a very big deal to you, but it is a big deal for me. i don't just miss meetings because i forget. i plan my life a year in advance. i put in for my time off in january for the remainder of the year (with the exception of sickness and surprise events) and i have not missed a meeting because "i forgot" in a very long time!

here is what i told my boss: monday when i checked the schedule i saw that i was not working my home unit, so i was focused on remembering to come into work at a different time due to being on a different unit.

here is the reality: i didn't even think to look at my calendar and see if there were any meetings this week. andi turned three on monday. andy turns 30 on friday. i'm beginning to come out of my 'depression' that i had been blogging about (i'm not sure i'm really coming out of it, but i am definitely feeling a bit better...better than i've felt in two months at least!) and i still have great difficulty remembering things. i'm really hoping that this memory loss is due to grief and not some sort of dementia. anyway, my marriage has been going through the rapids and my kids have not been on the best of behavior. lots of doctor stuff and school stuff (michael starts kindergarten in the fall). so, i have a lot on my mind and the one thing not on my mind was the meeting for work today that we have every month on the second wednesday!

i'm very frustrated with myself for forgetting this meeting! i'm very frustrated with my work as when i got here today i found out that i was on my home unit, then i found out that i missed the meeting. i just wasn't prepared for work today.

Sunday, April 11, 2010


if you pray, please pray for my marriage. we've hit the rapids in this river of life and it doesn't look like we'll be to calm waters until we go over the waterfalls. please pray for my marriage.
thank you.

Monday, April 5, 2010

sleep & energy...

i haven't been sleeping well lately. i cry myself to sleep. i have to drag myself out of bed. i'm not well rested when i wake up in the morning.

i know that exercising would help, but i can't seem to motivate myself to exercise. i am melancholy.

emotionally & physically it's so much like those first few weeks again. why? i don't know. i wish i did. it seems another wave of grief has knocked me over.

i have a few artsy projects i want to start working on...now i just need motivation!

i know the art will also help me to feel better...i just need Motivation!

i just need MOTIVATION!

...and energy.