...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


we are invisible to the naked eye...

there are so many of us, those who have lost our precious babies.
i am so sad all the time, happy in a way, but sad at the same time.
i have been reading blogs and not updating mine. i am sad. i just don't have the words to express what i want to express. i want to do artwork, but nothing is turning out right. i want to be happy, but i'm afraid that happy means forgetting and i never want to forget.

i am a mother.
i am sad.
i have quit dreaming because dreams don't come true.
i am jaded.

how am i to raise my children to be dreamers when i am no longer a dreamer. i want my children to be happy and creative, but i feel i am a killjoy on life.

i've been organizing pictures on the computer and i can't even look at the pictures of when i was happy. they just make me cry. remembering happiness, being naive, innocence...it makes me sad.

i am jaded...forever.
i can never be the person i was before again.
just when i had begun to find myself i lost myself again.

i've said it before, but i am grieving so much more than the loss of xavier.
i've lost nearly a year of my life and now i'm starting over at 30. the past year was my gestational period, now i am born and growing up (learning to live again).

i feel as though i am starting all over again.

who am i?

growing up once is hard enough. do i really have to do it again? this time i'm not learning things for the first time, i'm relearning how to breathe, how to go on when it would be easier not to, how to live again. i've been through trials and hard times (that's all part of growing up), but now i'm still growing up! i am jaded. i am no longer carefree. i am guarded. i am lost; clinging to God with all my might, but it's not enough (it's a good thing God has big hands and can carry me), i can't do this on my own.

there are just so many of us. we are invisible to the outside world. we have learned how to navigate through kroger or walmart or kohl's without screaming; without telling everyone our story. but, everywhere i look i see mothers with three or four children and think, "that should be me." i see happy, smiling people and wonder if i'll ever feel joy again.

GRIEF is bittersweet.


  1. Wow Michelle!! I've felt this way a lot too. I wish I wish it were easier but it sure isn't! I'm thankful with you that God's hands are big enough to carry us through this. Big hugs.

  2. keep writing and keep sharing hun, its good to get it out, i am thinking of you and sending big hugs xxxx anne