...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


the picture above is an 'old' friend from high school!

i've recently reconnected with some 'old' friends via facebook. it's funny how there are some people that regardless of the years of separation you can pick up right where you left off. some people still give you the creeps and then you wonder, "why did i send/accept this friend request?" some people are just awkward to talk to, like we've grown apart and really we have. it's nice to be able to pick up right where we left off...i've refound some best friends this way.
i've also been thinking about how different my life could have been. it's not that i regret the life i have, but i wonder...what if? don't we all do that when things aren't going perfectly? and really, when are things ever going perfectly? i've always said that i do not regret any choice i have made because all these life experiences have made me who i am today. without them i don't know who i would be; where i would be. as i get older i realize that i am so thankful for the friends God has put in my life, always at just the right time. i am incredibly thankful for the mistakes i have made on this journey, i do not regret them. i truly believe that i would not be the person i am today without making those mistakes. the key is to learn from the mistakes you make and i have...sometimes it was just the second or third or hundredth time(i'm pretty stubborn sometimes). some of the people that helped me most initially after losing xavier are not the same ones that are helping me most now. yes, some of my 'old' friends are helping me a great deal...and they may not even know it. sometimes the most helpful or supportive thing can be acknowledging xavier's existence(short as it was). i have more good days than bad days, but i still think about xavier every day. sometimes i can't get him out of my head. sometimes i don't want to get him out of my head. i hope i am helping out some of my 'old' friends too. i believe God has a way of putting the puzzle together just right, but we don't see it in the moment. i realized when i was looking through my facebook inbox that i had reconnected with one friend just days before losing xavier, then found out that he had a loss a while back. this friend has been such a blessing to me. God knows where all the pieces of the puzzle go and puts them together in just the right order...i just can't see that when i'm in the moment! there are no missing pieces...i just keep telling myself that because i'm only human and i think i NEED to see the finished product to understand why. in reality...i just need to trust God and obey Him. i'm learning that God doesn't make mistakes and doesn't have to explain Himself to me. i guess there are some things that will have to wait til the other side of heaven.

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