...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Saturday, December 25, 2010

merry christmas...

so 2010 is nearly over. yesterday we had christmas with andy's side and i got to hold a four month old baby boy for an extended period of time. i forgot what a baby feels like, smells like, makes me feel! i am in such a different place this year than i was last year. i have grown so much and changed (hopefully for the better). i still feel overwhelmed (a lot), but i am beginning to live again. i am beginning to do whatever it is i need to do for myself because if i neglect myself then i am no good to anybody!

so, on this christmas day i am reminded that God paid the ultimate price for my sins. i can't even imagine sending my only child to die, to face all the pain of the world, to be tortured - just so some ungrateful creature i created could live eternally with me?! so, i know that God understands how it feels to lose a child to death, but He also realizes what it feels like to be reunited with that child for an eternity and that is what i must focus on...eternity. wow! that is why i struggle so much on this grief journey - because i am only human and it is hard to look toward eternity when i'm stuck in the here & now on earth. the more i try to be Godly the more satan attacks and puts up roadblocks and the more i have to rely on God to get me through to the other side.

over the past year i have struggled with depression, my living situation, my spouse, my children, and my job. i'm guessing that if i spoke to 100 other people all of them would have struggled with some of those same things at some point in time over the past year. my situation; my struggles are not unique - people have been dealing with similar situations since the beginning of time and that is how i know God understands what i am going through. i am clearly in a better place today (emotionally and spiritually) than i was a year ago. i'm hoping that this coming year holds many blessings for me and even more growth. i am on a journey i never imagined i would be on, but i am headed exactly where i always thought i would be - toward a creative, meaningful life here on earth and an eternity in heaven with my family & friends!

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