...time stands still

so, we are entering the time of year that is going to bring lots of 'one year ago today' thoughts to mind. i feel as though i am taking a step back in my grief. i had come so far. i was doing so well. ...so much growth. now, time stands still (like the beginning) all over again.

i wish i could go back to those innocent days of the first trimester. i wish andy could have been happy with me. i wish time could stand still sometimes, but not now...then. i wish we hadn't lost xavier.

miss andi would have been such a great BIG sister...now she'll never get the chance. i feel like i have stolen something wonderful from her, yet i know it is not my fault. i somehow feel that i have failed her, yet i know i haven't.

last year at this time...
...xavier had just been conceived. we wouldn't find out for a few more weeks that i was pregnant.
...andy and i would have been having much heated discussion on the topic of having another baby. i, of course, wanted another baby and andy did not.
...andy and i had just had our valentine's day weekend a week late. oh the joys of working every other weekend.

i find myself isolating more and more; withdrawing from the world; sad.