...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Friday, February 5, 2010

should & shouldn't...

yesterday was eight months. i'm getting really good at distracting myself when i know i have to get things done. it was a hard day. i found myself staring off into space a few times at work thinking the 'should's' then remembering it shouldn't because God's plan is perfect, even if i don't understand. i'm so selfish. i'm so human. and yet God loves me.

i often think of xavier and say to myself, "i should be holding him right now," "i should have a three month old baby right now," "i should have been on maternity leave while work was chaos," "i should just be returning to work...what perfect timing to have a baby."

but the reality is i shouldn't. if it were God's plan for all those should's then we wouldn't have lost xavier, so i shouldn't. that doesn't make me feel any better, but i've been thinking about that a lot lately and i needed to get it out. thank you for listening.

carly finally opened up the request page and i got there in time to get mine in. so, yesterday i honored xavier by requesting his name in the sand on christian's beach. i'll let you know when it posts!

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