yesterday was eight months. i'm getting really good at distracting myself when i know i have to get things done. it was a hard day. i found myself staring off into space a few times at work thinking the 'should's' then remembering it shouldn't because God's plan is perfect, even if i don't understand. i'm so selfish. i'm so human. and yet God loves me.
i often think of xavier and say to myself, "i should be holding him right now," "i should have a three month old baby right now," "i should have been on maternity leave while work was chaos," "i should just be returning to work...what perfect timing to have a baby."
but the reality is i shouldn't. if it were God's plan for all those should's then we wouldn't have lost xavier, so i shouldn't. that doesn't make me feel any better, but i've been thinking about that a lot lately and i needed to get it out. thank you for listening.
carly finally opened up the request page and i got there in time to get mine in. so, yesterday i honored xavier by requesting his name in the sand on christian's beach. i'll let you know when it posts!