Thursday, January 14, 2010
today i had coffee with a woman from the support group i attend
i can't even remember the last time i went out with a girlfriend...probably college!
anyway, it was wonderful to be able to just sit and drink coffee and have conversation with an adult without running after michael and andi. it was wonderful to be able to talk about xavier without wondering if it was appropriate! i didn't have to worry about her judging me because i wanted to talk about my son, my son who just happens to have died seven months ago. i didn't have to explain that grieving is normal, where i am is normal, i am normal and there is nothing wrong with me. i didn't have to pretend to be happy or even okay that xavier died.
FYI: i'm not weird for carrying around a photo album with pictures of xavier...she does the same thing (with pictures of her daughter of course).
most of our conversation consisted of questioning each other. i think we just wanted to make sure neither of us was crazy, that we both were having some of the same feelings, that we weren't alone! sometimes i feel all alone, but today was a good reminder that i'm not. there are other people, here on earth, that understand what i am thinking and feeling.
we also talked about where her daughter was buried and possiblilties for what i could do with xavier's ashes (presently he is in a box on my closet shelf). we talked about 'shrines' to our babies that we can never forget. she loved that i framed his footprints and handprint in a picture frame that says 'miracle' across the bottom. every child is a miracle. xavier will always be the miracle that changed my life forever, but not the way michael and andi have changed my life!
xavier has made me more aware of the hurting people around me. i've been praying more in general. i've become so much more thankful for my healthy children. it's so easy to take things for granted until you have lost them. xavier has helped me not take the little things for granted.
over coffee & a monster cookie we talked about our hurts and our hopes and our remembrances. the company was good. the conversation was good. the coffee was good. the cookie was good. i think we'll go out again SOON!