...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Thursday, January 14, 2010


today i had coffee with a woman from the support group i attend

i can't even remember the last time i went out with a girlfriend...probably college!
anyway, it was wonderful to be able to just sit and drink coffee and have conversation with an adult without running after michael and andi. it was wonderful to be able to talk about xavier without wondering if it was appropriate! i didn't have to worry about her judging me because i wanted to talk about my son, my son who just happens to have died seven months ago. i didn't have to explain that grieving is normal, where i am is normal, i am normal and there is nothing wrong with me. i didn't have to pretend to be happy or even okay that xavier died.

FYI: i'm not weird for carrying around a photo album with pictures of xavier...she does the same thing (with pictures of her daughter of course).

most of our conversation consisted of questioning each other. i think we just wanted to make sure neither of us was crazy, that we both were having some of the same feelings, that we weren't alone! sometimes i feel all alone, but today was a good reminder that i'm not. there are other people, here on earth, that understand what i am thinking and feeling.

we also talked about where her daughter was buried and possiblilties for what i could do with xavier's ashes (presently he is in a box on my closet shelf). we talked about 'shrines' to our babies that we can never forget. she loved that i framed his footprints and handprint in a picture frame that says 'miracle' across the bottom. every child is a miracle. xavier will always be the miracle that changed my life forever, but not the way michael and andi have changed my life!

xavier has made me more aware of the hurting people around me. i've been praying more in general. i've become so much more thankful for my healthy children. it's so easy to take things for granted until you have lost them. xavier has helped me not take the little things for granted.

over coffee & a monster cookie we talked about our hurts and our hopes and our remembrances. the company was good. the conversation was good. the coffee was good. the cookie was good. i think we'll go out again SOON!


  1. So you know... I don't think you're weird. And I think it's completely appropriate to talk about your sweet baby. I know from my mother's experience that the grief will fade, but not the memories. And that's as it should be. I wish I had something profound to say that would help you. But all I can say is, if you ever need to talk about your sweet miracle, and you can't find someone who will listen or understand, you can call or email me. ellajo 08 at gmail. (no spaces, and of course .com) And you can find my number through my facebook page, I'm pretty sure. I'll listen; I won't judge; and sometimes that's just what you need. Blessings, ClaireElaine

  2. You are definitely NOT weird! I too lost a baby, mine to miscarriage at only 7 weeks...for me it was a little different and I don't feel free to share my inmost feelings about it with people for fear they will not understand. But one thing it has done is make me more sensitive to others as well. I found out that there are SO many women who have had miscarriages. 1 in 4 pregnancies is a miscarriage! I think more people understand than you think...but the fact that you are open about it and writing about it is VERY healthy. God bless you and comfort you as you struggle through! A good friend of mine just gave birth prematurely to her little boy who died. She was 24 weeks. It was SO sad! I suppose it will take quite a while to heal and I don't want to forget her pain in my busyness! Love you!