...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

so much more...

people don't understand all the thoughts behind emotions unless you tell them. the past seven months i have been grieving so much more than just the loss of xavier.

this past sunday was the service of remembrance. i met a lady who i had spoken to on the phone after i lost xavier and have been communitcating via facebook. it's good to actually see someone in person who you feel like you have such a connection with. there was so much sadness, joy, and healing in that room. i cried, that shouldn't shock anyone! apparently i am a crier. i cry for so much more than the loss of xavier...

i cry that i...
...am being misunderstood in my own home.
...must rediscover who my husband is in this new reality.
...am afraid my children have forgotten xavier.
...will never physically give birth to another child.

sometimes being joyful just doesn't seem possible. sometimes you just feel like the pastor is speaking to you and only you. a week ago sunday my pastor spoke on being joyful in the midst of our trials, in fact he spoke on being joyful in the midst of others trials; that we should share each others burdens...that sermon has been brought to my mind often over the past week.

this past week a baby died that blessed the lives of so many in his short life (http://arrows4godsarmy.blogspot.com/). i have a friend who is awaiting the birth of a baby, olivia hope, that has blessed many with her anticipated short life (http://fretzfam.blogspot.com/). i don't know if xavier touched any lives, aside from my own. i know that God is using the loss of xavier for good...i have drawn closer to Him. i have been praying for others more, because He has laid it on my heart. i have met wonderful new friends. yet, i still ache to have xavier.

so, i will continue to attempt being joyful in the midst of my trials, in the midst of babies meeting the Maker before we planned because God is good ALL THE TIME and His plans are perfect.

1 comment:

  1. I'm not sure I have the words to help in your healing, but I think of you and Xavier. I am inspired by your courage and strength and will continue to pray for you and your family.