...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Saturday, January 23, 2010

not enough...

SATURAY 1.23.2010

i am overwhelmed. no matter what i do it is not enough. today we are cleaning the house and no matter what i do, it is not enough. i seem to always have something else to organize or clean because apparently i am like a tornado and leave a mess wherever i go. i am haphazard, i go from one room to another leaving one task incomplete as i move on to the next. andy is frustrated with me. that's okay because he sometimes frustrates me too!

i am missing xavier today. i tried talking to andy a little bit, but he doesn't understand. i'm
looking forward to going out for coffee later in the week with a friend if i can work it into my schedule...i need to work it into my schedule...i need support!

TUESDAY 1.26.2010

thankfully, today is much better than saturday! i have been exercising and that has helped my stress level immensely. as valentine's day draws near i am thinking of ways i can honor xavier's memory (as he was conceived around that time last year) and i'm at a loss. what i really want to do is crochet some baby blankets for goshen general hospital to give to mothers who experience loss, but i am so slow at crocheting that i know i wouldn't complete any by valentine's. possibly that is a project with a deadline closer to his due date in november! i want to honor xavier and i want others to remember him with me.

i met an older lady at work right after i lost xavier, who had experienced infant loss herself years before. i spoke to her a few times before she switched shifts. anyway, after the first time i spoke with her she sent me an e-mail congratulating me on the birth of my son. nobody had congratulated me before because xavier was stillborn. it felt really good that somebody was happy and rejoicing the birth of my son, even if it was a stillbirth. stillbirth is sad, but it is even sadder if you cannot rejoice that you gave birth to a miracle...no matter how small! i truly believe that God allowed me to experience this for a reason, that good will come of this...and i have already seen some good in this whole experience, but it's a very bittersweet feeling.

it's not enough that i believe God will turn this to good...i want to see the good right now. when will i feel that there was enough good that came from losing xavier? will i ever feel there is enough good that has come from losing xavier? i don't think so.
it's not enough that i attend a support group; i need support at home too.
it's not enough to talk the talk, i must also walk the walk. i must show others my God is awesome, and that i believe my God is awesome even through this!
without God i am not enough.
it is not enough just to say i believe...i must really, truly believe and have faith!
it is not enough to say i believe in Jesus. i must follow Him!

i still believe something great and good is yet to come from losing xavier ian. but, if losing xavier was only to teach me to trust God more...that is enough!

1 comment:

  1. Michelle, I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. There is no way for me to know what you are going through. I can't imagine losing a child. God does everything for a reason and although we may not understand it at the time there is a reason. I really wanted to come to the service as I don't live far from you, but was in Terre Haute at the time. If you ever want to get together and chat just let me know...Take care and hugs.