...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Friday, January 29, 2010

missing xavier...

yesterday i took andy to work. when i got home i couldn't fall back asleep. i was missing xavier.
this morning i took andy to work. i didn't even try to fall back asleep. i'm still missing xavier.

sometimes trusting God is the hardest thing in the world. trusting that God is somehow working through all of this. trusting that God really does love me. trusting that God will have something good come of this. maybe good already has come of this and i just can't see it through my human eyes because i didn't think it was enough. devastation.

andy asked me if i called about counseling yet...no. i'm not sure why i keep putting it off. i'm not sure what scares me about counseling. i really just need someone to listen and be supportive and that's what counseling would be, right? so why am i putting it off?

i know that i'm raw again, probably not thinking clearly, i have this constant need to talk about xavier. i have no one to talk to.

how is it possible to miss someone you barely even knew?

sometimes i feel like i don't deserve to grieve like other people because my baby was so young. we couldn't even tell if he was a boy or girl, so i chose boy (because my mom said that he looked like michael). i never felt him move in my womb (he was too young). i just hear about other people that have full term babies or at least babies big enough to have felt a kick and i feel like i'm a fake. i feel like i'm trying to take something that doesn't rightfully belong to me. then i have guilt for feeling like i can't grieve my son.

in my heart i know i have every right to grieve. in my head i have to justify it and i don't know why. i feel cheated. i should have had more time with my baby; he shouldn't be gone! it's. been nearly eight months...he should be almost three months old, but instead i'm crying while i blog about my grief, my sadness, my lack of support!

i hope tomorrow is better than today. today is going to be a hard day. today is a sad day. it feels like today is the day after losing xavier all over again. i thought it was suppose to get easier over time, but it feels like i keep going back to the beginning. the beginning being when i found out he was gone. i don't know where to end this blog, so i guess here is as good a place as any.


  1. You knew him and you still know him. Xavier is your son and he lived inside you. You know him and he will always be a part of you. And a part of you is with him has well. At least, that's what I believe and I think that we will always have this grief. It's a part of us forever. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm sorry that all of us have to go through this. Please know that I think of you often and so sorry for what you are going through and that perhaps, I can relate somewhat.

  2. I don't know your pain, but I do know in my heart that mothering begins the instant we find out we are carrying such a precious gift from God. I think that losing a child no matter what the age is something a mother never gets over and that is normal. You love your son and you always will. There is nothing wrong with that. I continue to pray for you and think of you often.