xavier ian swords was stillborn at 18 weeks gestation on june 4, 2009. xavier only measured between 13 - 15 weeks gestation meaning he traveled to the other side of heaven shortly after my previous doctor appointment a month earlier.
i am depressed. i am on medication for my depression. i participate in therapy for an hour a week [sooo wish it were more].
i feel different depending on who i am with. when i am at work i feel more normal. i am able to say that i had a stillborn baby. i am able to do what i do very well. i am comfortable and i belong. when i am home i am guarded. i dont' feel like i am allowed to share xavier's memory freely and i've actually put almost all of xavier's things in a box and it sits in my closet [a photo book remains in my purse and a picture frame with his tiny footprints & right handprint sit on my dresser]. at home i feel alone. when i am in public i only have two children...i don't tell anyone about xavier, it's too complicated and awkward and that's okay. i know that he exists, in heaven now, i don't need confirmation from anyone that i birthed a baby [and if i really want confirmation i can always talk about xavier in therapy].
today i am able to feel joy when i hold a baby! i've still not accepted that i will never have another baby! though i am sad it finally feels good to hold someone elses baby. i have moments when i just can't handle being around babies and families of six are the hardest, but other moments i'm fine with my little family of four. i never know how i'm going to be from day to day. i journal and do expressive artwork as often as i can. my therapist tells me that i am normal and i'm actually dealing with xavier's death well, or as well as can be expected. i've just gotten stuck in depression due to knowing i'll never have another baby. even writing it devastates me all over again and i want to break down crying. i want to scream. i want to hide under the covers and sleep, only getting up to eat light meals and go to the bathroom.
i thought i would be better than i am at this point, but i'm not. of course today has been a 'sad' day. lately i've had a lot of 'sad' days. i'm in therapy and i wish i could go twice a week, but i only go once a week. sometimes i feel like the first year was easier than this! in fact i think the first year was easier than this. people allowed me to grieve and be devastated, not that i needed permission. now i should be better, magically. nothing has changed in my life, so why would i be better. my baby is dead. as long as that is my reality there is no reason to stop grieving...i feel like i am just surviving - not really living, just surviving each day.
there's no need to pretend that my life is wonderful, in case you haven't noticed, nobody has a completely wonderful - problem free - life. i'm on this grief journey; a journey through life and while i'm sorry for each of our losses i'm incredibly thankful to have found such a wonderful group of women to accompany me on this journey.