...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Friday, May 28, 2010

one week...

just one more week...til this past year of grief is over and the second year of grief will begin.
just one more week...and i'm not even dreading it, yet.

michael has been very focused on death. no five year old should be so educated on death. five year olds should be naive. instead, when he plays he will say things like, "i have a cemetary in my backyard." often he will ask a question about xavier and he usually says xavier's name now, not just 'the baby' and i'm glad for that. michael also mentions that i will die before he does and he will bury me in his backyard because he would just miss me too much otherwise. so, he is beginning to understand that death is a part of life. death is a part of life that was never meant to be. i hope i am helping to give him a healthy view of death and life and grief.

andi doesn't talk so much about any of it anymore. i guess they take turns and it is michael's turn now.

so, just one more week...til andy's cousin gets married.
maybe a marriage is a good omen and the second year of grief will actually have more happiness than sadness...i'm not holding my breath.


  1. Each person processes things differently so I won't say you will be ok. But I will say you will get through it. Our mind and imaginations sometimes gets the best of us, well at least mine does. I was dreading Shealyns angelversary. Thinking it was going to be the worst day since having her. I must say if you surround yourself with people who love you and you love, and know the greif you are feeling it really isn't that bad.

  2. oh and hugs and prayers to you