in just a few short days it will have been one year.
i haven't blogged in awhile because i've been doing pretty well and when things are going well i tend to not write [i don't need an outlet when all is well], but in reality is all well? my baby died! that is not well or good or right! about a million other things have happened in the past year as well and none of them are well or good or right...at least in my eyes. i know when i get to heaven i'll understand, but here on earth i can't...even were God to explain it to me right here & right now i don't think i could comprehend His words.
i've been blue a bit lately, but that is nothing new.
a friend came to visit yesterday and it was so good to see her. i don't get out much, so having a day off to spend with her was wonderful! she kept asking how i was doing. i answered different ways throughout the day, but i started to wonder, "how am i doing?" i'm going through the motions and doing what needs to be done, but not always present. i'm completing my tasks at work, but i can't remember anything it seems...days all run together [if i don't write it down i seem to forget it] and i feel so disorganized. my attitude is horrible a majority of the time. i'm in slump with my prayer life. i don't read the bible much. i almost feel as though i've put my life on hold until things are better, but better isn't coming or i can't see it at least. i need to start living again, find my 'new normal' and...
she also asked what she could do to help. i don't know. i don't know what i need. a better question is how can i improve my memory or how can i be present or how can i be truly happy ever again? if i knew the answers to those questions then i'd know how she could help.
it's almost summer. the weather has been beautiful and i'm so reminded of those days just after losing xavier. i'd sit outside and stare at the beauty like i was seeing it again for the first time and perhaps i was seeing it for the for the first time...the first time after being knocked down into a pit so deep i'm not sure i'll ever get out of it. this year i see the beauty, but it's not the first time and i'm encouraged that such beauty can be in a world so flawed. it's almost summer and i'm still sad...hopefully one day xavier will not equal sad for me, but that day is not today.