...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Thursday, May 6, 2010

how sad...

don't think that i'm totally depressed & angry all the time, because i'm not. i tend to blog when i 'm sad & mad because that's when i need to get the feelings out. when i'm happy i don't feel the need to write anything down, rather i express happiness through my actions.

...how sad...

this seems to be my motto right now. life is bittersweet. every happy thing that i do with michael & andi makes me sad because i'll never get that chance with xavier. andi would have loved to have been a big sister. almost daily we have the discussion that the baby's heart died. today i asked her if she remembers the baby's name and she did. someday i'll show michael & andi pictures of xavier, but that's a long time off. andi is such a good big sister, keeping xavier's memory alive, loving her little brother that she never even met. i am so proud of her; trying to put her little mind around xavier's death. i just wish i could help her better understand.

a discussion of comments happened on facebook after i posted the the status update, "eleven months..." two days ago. i was a bit overwhelmed by everything. i spoke with andy about this yesterday morning and apparently his family feels that eleven months is too long to still be grieving the loss of a less than half term fetus! his mom thought it was too long a few months ago. apparently it doesn't make sense to them to write xavier's name and take pictures of it. apparently i am wrong and they are right! well, xavier is my child and he is a part of this family and i don't know how to live without him, so i continue to remember him. he was my baby. he IS my BABY. ten fingers, ten toes, a beautiful tiny nose, earbuds...i am so angry that somebody could say he was not even a baby, but just a half term fetus! taking pictures of xavier's name is a way to remember him and it just feels good to see his name. they don't understand and that is why i need so much support from my online friends and church family. shouldn't the people i live with be the most understanding? shouldn't the people i live with be supportive? no wonder i feel all alone when i am at home, i am all alone (of course God is always with me, but i'm talking humans here).

xavier dying was only the beginning of my world being shattered (i say shattered rather than turned upside down because when something is turned upside down it can be turned right side up again; where if something is shattered it is impossible to fix or will show where it has been glued or taped back together)...
in fact xavier dying was not the beginning. becoming pregnant with xavier was the beginning because that is when andy and i started to argue and pull away from each other. then we lost xavier and i was devastated and andy was relieved. we sold all of our baby stuff in a yardsale and i was reminded that there will be no more babies. units merged at work. we moved in with andy's parents to try and get on track financially (allow me to remind you these are the people who do not understand). michael turned five. i moved to a brand new unit at work. andi turned three. in less than one month it will have been one year since losing xavier.
and that is the short version of the past year of my life. i am not only dealing with losing xavier, but also trying to hold my marriage together, learning to live in someone else's house, figuring out this new population at work, my children are growing up, and there will be no more babies.

just when i thought i found myself i realized that i don't know who my husband is anymore. just when my life seems to be less complicated and on track, it jumps off track. my 29th year was tragic. my 30th year didn't magically get better, so i had to pick up the glue and try to start putting the shattered pieces of my life back together. counseling is so hard. marriage is so hard. focusing at work is so hard. unfortunately i don't have the luxury of taking time off to go to some deserted island and figure everything out. i have to continue functioning while i'm working through the mess of my life. i am overwhelmed.

i'm not asking for sympathy. i don't want you to feel sorry for me. i'm not different than you. i'm not trying to make myself a victim. i'm just trying to figure all of this out and that is why i blog. hopefully i can help someone else along the way. so, i cry and pray and attempt to appear normal when i feel so broken inside. i wear my emotions on my shirtsleeve at times and try to be as honest as necessary. i am doing my best at being the authentic me while trying to figure out who the authentic me is.

and now that i have blogged about it i feel a bit better. thank you for reading my ramblings. thank you for supporting, for loving, for encouraging me. i especially thank you for praying. God has very big hands as i know i am not the only one He has been carrying this past year.


  1. Awe michelle I have no answers I just have to tell you I'm thinking of you and I'll keep praying too. Big hugs.

  2. Sending love, support and prayers your way Michelle! *HUGS*

  3. many prayers and much love special lady!

  4. I love you, Michelle, and I am praying for you. I can imagine, but I can't understand the pain and heartache of losing a little one; however, I understand the feeling of being alone. At times, I feel like I have no support beyond my church family, since my family is so far away. It gets extremely difficult, and you ache for someone who knows that you just need to let out your emotions and feel completely safe as you do. Please know that I will always listen if you need an ear. I will give you a hug anytime you need. I will cry with you (I'm very experienced at crying!). And I will continue to pray.

  5. P.S. ~ This is Jen Lepore. :-)

  6. Michelle, I'm wishing you a blessed Mother's day because you are a mother in the eyes of this community, in the eyes of God, and most importantly in the eyes of Xavier. Sometimes our families just don't get it. That's okay that they don't understand, but their lack of 'getting it' shouldn't define our walk through this. Its okay to be honest with them, or to tell them as little or as much as you like. You can tell them that you believe that life began at conception, and that even if Xavier was only a week gestation, you are still a mother without your baby in your arms. You are so right, it doesn't get better magically. It takes time and that time can't be defined by anyone. Please be patient with yourself, and with your husband. He hurts seeing your broken heart, and these guys of ours, they want to fix things for us, and this is something they just can't fix. His ache is for you, and your joy. Love you friend, Kristie

  7. Hang in there sis. It's been a long hard road that you've had to travel over the past year and there's no way I will ever understand what it was like to walk in your shoes but I know you will get thru this with the grace of God and his blessings. Continue to fight to keep your marriage together and keep up the hard/good work. Make sure you do take time for yourself so that you can allow yourself to remember and heal from having Xavier taken from you so soon.