...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Monday, May 3, 2010

butterfly mommy ~ may giveaway question...

Here's how it works, we will post a question, you can either comment back or add your name to the McLinky. This will link us up to your blog post, where you answered our question. We choose a winner each month for a special prize giveaway. Each gift is different, so keep coming back and entering! Here is the question:

How have your relationships been affected by your loss? (with God, your husband, yours and your husband's parents, your siblings, your living children, and/or friendships?)

GOD ~ my relationship with God is so much better now than it was in the months possibly even years before losing xavier. my relationship with God had grown stale and i had quit trusting God so much...i had quit feeling God so much. i was trying to do things on my own. after losing xavier i couldn't do anything on my own. i felt a peace about losing xavier that i can only explain as God comforting me. i felt God holding me up, carrying me, and comforting me. worship has also changed for me. i am not ashamed to do what i feel i should do during worship at church. i cry nearly every sunday. i take notes instead of just sitting there listening. sometimes i journal during church! praise and worship music is especially moving to me now, especially songs about glory. i'm not sure i was ever angry at God after losing xavier...God was my only refuge and comfort. my prayer life has been strengthened since losing xavier and my relationship with God refreshed.

ANDY~ my relationship with my husband has been a roller-coaster ride and i think we're wearing blindfolds because i never know what's coming next. we have struggled to come together and support each other over the past year. i'm not going to go into a lot of detail here, but we are not just looking at different pages in the same book; we are looking at different books. i've possibly cried as much over my marriage as i have over losing xavier. marriage is hard work and it isn't getting any easier, but we love each other and we are still working on our marriage.

MY PARENTS ~ i don't know that my relationship with my parents has really changed all that much since losing xavier. i still think we have a very strong relationship and i'm very glad for that.

MY IN-LAWS ~ we moved in with my in-laws five months after losing xavier and that probably has more to do with our relationship now than losing xavier. i don't have a very good relationship with my in-laws and i'll leave it at that.

MY SIBLINGS ~ not much has changed between my brother and myself, but my sister sends me cards and comments on my facebook status updates. so, i guess i'm a bit closer to my sister than i was before losing xavier.

MY CHILDREN ~ michael is five & andi is three. i love my children and feel blessed to have them. i'm not sure how i would have been able to continue without them after losing xavier. i don't want them to grow up. i hold my daughter more. michael talks about death more. he talks about us dying before him and andi. he says he would bury me in the backyard if i died because he would want me close and miss me too much. andi continues to ask if there is a baby in my belly and we have to talk about how the baby died. i appreciate my children so much more now.

FRIENDS ~ i have wonderful friends. my friends at work were very supportive in the beginning. i have some high school and college friends that were very helpful in the beginning and we still keep in touch a bit better than before losing xavier. i have some new friends that actually understand my loss because they have experienced loss. i don't think my relationships have changed so much as i have added new relationships.

If you could convey to others one thing about yourself that would help them understand what you both need to maintain your relationship what would that be?

i need to know that i am loved. i need to know that others remember xavier. i need contact whether that be through e-mail, snail mail, facebook messages, etc. i am fragile and while i may appear to be functioning normally, it takes a lot of energy to continue to appear to be functioning normally. inside i am thinking about xavier often and struggle to keep my mind on whatever it is i'm suppose to be concentrating on. at times it feels at though i'm living a double life, the life on the outside that others see and the life on the inside that only God knows.

1 comment:

  1. I'm not sure what I want to say except that I'm glad we can support each other as moms who've been thru something very similiar. I'm sorry your family and living situation is rough. I can imagine that adds to what's already very difficult. Sending up lots of prayers, you've been on my mind a lot. Big hugs