...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Monday, June 21, 2010

the second year...

tonight at the support group i attend, parents sharing hope, we were talking about the second year [after losing a baby] and how it is sometimes harder than the first year. i think the second year is harder than the first because all the memories there are no happy memories, just sad ones...

the first year you think, "a year ago today..." and you are remembering life. the second year you think, "a year ago today..." and you are remembering death. the first year you are remembering hopes and dreams. the second year you are remembering shattered hopes and dreams. the first year you are raw. the second year you are scarred.

i think i have taken my grief and found a very healthy outlet...art. recently i have really started to work through my grief using artwork! i have to thank julie for that...she is a recreational therapist at my work and my idea for 'my world' was sparked through her. art is so incredibly healing.

i also started a blog to write names; hangin' with xavier on the fridge

i am starting to be joyful every now and again. it's not easy. since the one year mark i've noticed that i think about xavier ALL OF THE TIME! it's like all the feelings are flooding over me again, but this time i already know what they feel like and they fade a bit quicker. the feelings are just as intense, but for less time. life is a journey...you must choose to move forward or backward or sideways, but you cannot stand still.

my pastor has been preaching on the beatitudes...i am blessed. God blesses me. God blesses others through me. God blesses me through others.
"blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" matthew 5:4


  1. Wow that really makes since about the second year being worse because you think back a year and the death has already happened. I'm so sorry. I love that verse though, praying for your comfort to come soon. And by the way you have blessed me!!!

  2. And you are an amazing artist and an amazing woman of God! I am proud to know you! I'm sorry I couldn't make it tonight, it just doesn't feel like my place anymore. I love you so much special lady!! And I have learned a lot from you, God truly has worked through you!! <3