...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

i am surviving...

i am surviving...to no credit of my own.

without God i wouldn't even be able to breathe.

my world is at a standstill while everyone else continues on as though everything is fine.

...nothing will ever be fine again - my baby is dead.

i believed and had faith in God before losing xavier, but now i truly believe in God and put my faith in Him because He is carrying me along right now - i am doing none of this on my own.

i am weary. i just want to give up, to start all over. i want my baby.

the weight of 'my world' is on my shoulders and i'm really feeling it today.

i am selfish - it takes all of my energy to just get out of bed in the morning.

i walk around in a daze.

my morals are too high to do anything stupid to numb the pain. so, i continue to struggle each day.

i continue to 'live' if you want to call it living. it's not the carefree living i used to do - it's a very bitter and jaded living. babies die. now i know. sometimes i wish i didn't.


  1. I'm sorry it's so rough right now. I'm praying for you. I wish I knew something else to say that would be helpful. Hugs