...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

february meeting of meet you at the sunset...

Some people say men and women grieve differently. Others say that we as a human race grieve differently to each other. Some people believe that we all grieve the same just at different stages of time.
If you have a partner how has this grieving process been for you both. Do you differ much in how you live with grief? Has it torn you apart or brought you closer together? Have you learned anything about your partner that you did not know beforehand? Share what you feel comfortable with.

i am grieving; hard. it has been nearly nine months since xavier ian was stillborn and it just hit me hard again last week. in the beginning i cried a lot; i slept a lot; i didn't eat much; i journaled a lot. now i cry some; i isolate; i blog. i also do expressive artwork and write poetry. i am an open book and i try to talk about xavier when i can, but it's not safe to talk about him in the house i live...at least that's how i feel.

my husband isn't grieving. in the beginning he was silent, but he would hold me while i cried. he shared with me a couple of times how he was feeling, but he went back to work just a couple of days after we lost xavier and kept himself busy.

we have struggled to connect since losing xavier. i believe a good part of why we are having trouble connecting comes from the fact that he did not want a third child. he made it very clear before we got pregnant with xavier that he did not want a third child and did not know if he could even love xavier like he loves our other two children. in fact he had just started to accept the pregnancy when it was over (18 weeks) and he felt relieved that there would not be a third child. that may sound harsh, but it is the truth.

my husband and i still struggle to connect, and there are many more factors than just the loss of xavier that play into this. i still struggle to accept that my husband never wanted a third child and there will be no more babies. i am heartbroken on so many levels and have so much healing to do amidst the grieving for xavier. i am overwhelmed at times; most of the time. i don't know that i learned anything about my husband that i didn't already know, but this whole experience has brought to light how very much he has changed since college.


  1. I'm sorry your husband doesn't accept your grief. Big hugs and prayers going up for you.

  2. I am so sorry that Andy does not feel the same as do and/or did about Xavier. Maybe part of your grieving is also over how Andy has reacted. Have you thought of talking to someone together as a couple? I am praying for you Michelle. **Hugs**

  3. I'm so sorry Michelle. The going back to work thing is normal. My hubby did it too, they just do things differently.

    As for not wanting your third child, that must make you feel really resentful. I wonder if part of his withdrawal is because he feels guilty about feeling that way? Is it possible he blames himself?

    Your grief sounds very normal to me. Nine months is still so fresh. I am so Sorry Xavier is not here.

  4. I'm so sorry for your loss of Xavier.

    I'm sorry that your husband felt he couldn't love a third child.

    My husband went back to work just a week after we lost Bailey, and I felt he pushed me into my new life without Bailey too soon and when I wasn't ready. In my husband's way, he grieved for our son, but he felt it more through me.

    Take care.