journal...

i bought a new journal yesterday. it is spiral bound and has pretty pink pages. the journal i've been writing in since we lost xavier is nearly full. the old journal had boring white pages and a multi-striped cover...it was not spiral bound. i want to start using the new journal, but the old one is not quite full yet.

i continue to miss xavier every single day. i'm giving myself permission to feel whatever it is i need to feel; mostly sad. i'm giving myself permission to grieve the loss of my son. i'm giving myself permission to talk about xavier ian freely...even if it makes somebody uncomfortable. i still struggle to talk with my husband about xavier though.

somebody at parents sharing hope said that grief is like waves in the ocean. she's right. that's a wonderfully beautiful way to explain grief. i went for a couple of months doing so well, then i crashed again. i like the picture of grief being a wave in the ocean.

last night i cried myself to sleep. luckily i fell asleep quickly. this morning i'm still sad. i feel as though i'm the only adult in this house that wanted xavier. if anyone else is sad about losing xavier they are hiding it better than i am. i was reading somebody's blog and they said that grieving or mourning shows strength...when we hide our feelings we are not strong, just in denial. i must have incredible strength. i haven't cried myself to sleep in a long while. today is another sad day.