...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

xavier's photo...

i have posted pictures of xavier all over facebook. i have an album with his photos on my page, but i have also posted his pictures on pages i have joined. every now and then somebody will post a comment on his picture on one of those pages i have put his picture on. sometimes the picture is one i have not looked at in a while. sometimes it is a picture that i see more often. i don't look at his pictures everyday anymore, but i carry them with me still.

today i miss xavier. today i am looking at his pictures. today changes nothing...i'm still me living in this life i never imagined. before andy and i got married we had all sorts of discussions...however none of them went anything like this, the way our lives have turned out. we love each other, but i'm not sure if love is enough. love will never bring back xavier or take back hurtful things andy said to me last year after finding out we were pregnant. love doesn't give us more money or teach us how to manage our money better. love isn't enough, it just isn't.

i still haven't told xavier's story on this blog, but i'm not quite ready...soon, but not today. today i leave you with a picture of xavier...one of my favorite pictures of xavier.


  1. Big hugs to you Michelle, I'm so sorry it's been so rough lately. Thank you for sharing a picture of your sweet Xavier precious little boy. I'm praying for you and your husband all day today that God would be as close as your breath and in the name of Jesus you would have comfort and peace and that anything and everything that is keeping you from peace and comfort would go away immediately in the name of Jesus.

  2. Oh Monica, I am so sorry. I wish that all the "im sorries" can bring our sweet babies back. I cry while I write this, it is just a mother's worst pain. I tell you, I STILL even after 10 months of losing her, I still want to go and be with her. But then I think of the pain my mother would have. So far, thats the only thing that has stopped me. I wouldn't want her following the footsteps that I had. I haven't been able to journal so so much, its hard when Im in the momemnt crying or screaming, I just cant pull out a journal. But starting my blog, Im hoping it will help.
    Our babies are in the arms of God, being taken care of. I spoke to Naomi last night, while crying, and told her I know that she is safe, and not suffering anymore. & that I was so sorry that I couldnt keep her inside me. Thank you for coming to my page. <3 hugs

  3. He's absolutley beautiful! *hugs* I'm so sorry you are hurting so much lately. This grief rollercoaster is annoying. I'm riding right beside you!

  4. Michelle, your baby boy is beautiful..i saw this and started crying. it breaks my heart..my husband and i lost our daughter Feb 25th 2011. she was born sleeping. Big hugs to you and your family.