nine months...

i am alive. i will survive.

i have survived thus far.
i didn't know it was possible to hurt this bad, for so long...i know it won't be like this forever, but right now i can't see past this day, let alone this moment.

i have survived by the grace of God. He has held me up and carried me so many days over the past nine months and my relationship with Him is stronger, deeper, than it has been in a while. i keep thinking, how sad that i had to lose xavier ian to become passionate about prayer and my God again.

i still think about him everyday. i still talk about him nearly everyday. i love him & i miss him and i still wonder how it is possible to love & miss somebody so much that i never even really got to know. nine months sounds like such a long time, but it doesn't feel like a long time...it feels like just last week.
today is a sad day. i have tears in my eyes and a long day ahead of me (i hope i can make it through my long day on way too little sleep). i am nearly done with xavier's valentine. so, i will possibly finish it tonight and post pictures tomorrow or next week. i'm very pleased with it. i hope i can honor xavier's memory today and keep it together tonight at work; the devotions we do with the kids sometimes speak to me more than them i think and i get emotional (meaning i get teary eyed and have to hold back tears).
i love you xavier ian.