alright, i've wanted to write for a while now, but every time i sit down the words just do not flow! it's so frustrating!!! i've been crying a lot because i've been thinking too much. i've been crying myself to sleep at night.

over the weekend we went over our budget and realized that it's going to be a long time before we can afford to get a house of our own or even rent our own space! currently we are living with my in-laws and i hate not having my own space! i hate not having my own rules! i hate feeling like i'm in the way! i'm discouraged that our money situation is getting better at the pace of a snail. i secretly have a goal to be out of here by next summer. unless things drastically change i can see that we'll be here well past next summer! sometimes i just want to SCREAM! every now and again (when i'm alone in the car) i do SCREAM! it just feels good to get all that energy out.

my grief has never been only about losing xavier. my grief has always been about losing xavier, losing the life i dreamed of, losing myself after i finally thought i had found myself, and realizing the man i married has changed into someone that i don't recognize over the years. the last few weeks have been amazing as andy and i have been rediscovering who we each are and getting to know each other again, but it doesn't change losing xavier - it doesn't change that i miss this life i never got to know. i feel cheated. i am sad, but i do feel real joy sometimes. night is harder than day. i know i am healing - i know my grief is changing - i know i am growing. this is life and i'm trying to live it, but sometimes it's hard to just get out of bed in the morning. i suspect that i'm always going to have days when it's hard to get out of bed in the morning, nights that i cry myself to sleep, and thoughts of what could have been when it's too quiet in the world...but i know that those times are going to be fewer and further between as time goes on. i haven't forgotten xavier ian; i'm just learning how to live again (without what could have been)! this is my new normal and i may never like it, but i'm learning to live it.