...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Monday, July 26, 2010

alright, i've wanted to write for a while now, but every time i sit down the words just do not flow! it's so frustrating!!! i've been crying a lot because i've been thinking too much. i've been crying myself to sleep at night.

over the weekend we went over our budget and realized that it's going to be a long time before we can afford to get a house of our own or even rent our own space! currently we are living with my in-laws and i hate not having my own space! i hate not having my own rules! i hate feeling like i'm in the way! i'm discouraged that our money situation is getting better at the pace of a snail. i secretly have a goal to be out of here by next summer. unless things drastically change i can see that we'll be here well past next summer! sometimes i just want to SCREAM! every now and again (when i'm alone in the car) i do SCREAM! it just feels good to get all that energy out.

my grief has never been only about losing xavier. my grief has always been about losing xavier, losing the life i dreamed of, losing myself after i finally thought i had found myself, and realizing the man i married has changed into someone that i don't recognize over the years. the last few weeks have been amazing as andy and i have been rediscovering who we each are and getting to know each other again, but it doesn't change losing xavier - it doesn't change that i miss this life i never got to know. i feel cheated. i am sad, but i do feel real joy sometimes. night is harder than day. i know i am healing - i know my grief is changing - i know i am growing. this is life and i'm trying to live it, but sometimes it's hard to just get out of bed in the morning. i suspect that i'm always going to have days when it's hard to get out of bed in the morning, nights that i cry myself to sleep, and thoughts of what could have been when it's too quiet in the world...but i know that those times are going to be fewer and further between as time goes on. i haven't forgotten xavier ian; i'm just learning how to live again (without what could have been)! this is my new normal and i may never like it, but i'm learning to live it.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Im sorry to hear that Michelle! Whenever things aernt going my way I try to tell myself that God knows the plans he's made for me, not the plans that I've made, and those plans are not to harm me. It helps take the sting out a bit for me because then I start to wonder, how much better His plan is going to be than my own plans. Well anyways, that's what helps me through sometimes. *HUGS*