...my journey through the valleys and over the mountains as i learn to live with the 'new' reality of losing xavier ian. this is a place i can jot down thoughts, feelings, and things i am learning through this journey of life.

if my dreams came true...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

since the nightmare began...

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

my husband reads this blog and asked me if i had updated it recently...so i thought i should.

i don't get around to blogging so much, as of late. i've been doing more personal journaling and bible study. i've been much more private lately. i guess there is something about writing the same stuff over and over again that is really depressing to me (and possibly those of you who read this blog).

so, life continues on...

i was doing well for awhile. but lately i look back over the past two years and i'm saddened. maybe i should be looking at everything i have learned and be thankful and joyful and at peace, but i'm not. i'm just sad and discontent. i'm not joyful. at times i struggle to even function.

march 2009 ~ we find out we are pregnant and there are many mixed emotions

april 12, 2009 ~ easter & andi's 2nd birthday...xavier is still alive!

end of may (just a week before the stillbirth) 2009 ~

june 3, 2009 ~ i find out (all alone) there is no heartbeat

june 4, 2009 ~ xavier ian swords (stillborn)

in a way time stopped that day and never started again for me. in a way i got stuck. i wanted everything to stop moving and continuing on because my world stopped, but that's not how it works. so, i've done the best i can to continue on and some days i do fairly well...other days, not so much. lately it's been, not so much. it seems that i cannot be comforted; i am not joyful; i am bitter and angry and jealous. i continue to mourn for the life i dreamed that will never come true. i continue to mourn the loss of xavier.

in just over a month it will have been two years since losing xavier! two years! i don't know where the time has gone. i was thinking the other day that if xavier had lived i'd be wanting another baby about now...instead i'm wanting xavier and another baby still, but there will be no more babies for me! how sad.

i'm not doing so well these days. i sleep a lot. i eat too much. i don't talk enough. my life seems to be crumbling all around me, even work is not the safe haven it once was. i'm in a bit of a slump and i just don't know how to pull myself out of it. i'm hoping spring break will help to brighten my spirits a little. we'll see.

on the bright side i was reading back through some messages on facebook and realized how much better i am now than i was then. today may seem horrible, but when i look back at a year ago i see how much better today is. thank you for following my blog and supporting me. i'll try to be a better blogger.


  1. Will be praying for you!!! (((HUGS))) This is your time of year that is harder than other times. I am beginning to feel better and am coming out of my time of year. kwim? <3

  2. Looking back you really can see how far you've come even if it doesn't feel like it at times. Hoping your spirits will lighten

  3. Hang in there sis... I think you should get back on track with losing some of that weight- I'd love to have someone to swap clothes with. I've never been able to do that with you.

    I hope that spring break is giving you lots of fun- I know it's giving you more much needed private time with Andy while the kids stay at our parents'. I look forward to our time tomorrow night.

    I have not experienced what you had but from what you go through, it's gotta be harder than I realize. You definitely have come a long way and because of it, you're a stronger woman now though you may not feel like you are at times. I love you, and you're the only real sister I have!